Archive | March, 2013

Do you have to have a “coming out” moment?

31 Mar

So, as you may have gathered from my previous post, I suppose I would technically “identify” as bisexual. I don’t wave flags though, and I didn’t check “men” and “women” on Facebook. In fact, it is something that only a handful of people know, although most of my closest friends know (alright, almost all of them!) And to be honest, I have much closer and deeper relationships with them because of it.

One thing they don’t tell you as new, “baby” queer of some sort (look at me with my lingo, God!):

You kind of have to come out again, and again, and again. The best case scenario: it is no big deal. Middle ground: surprise. A lot of surprise. Especially if you are the quiet about it type, and there aren’t too many rainbows in your wardrobe. Worst case: quiet self-righteous disapproval.

The best case scenario got me to thinking: do you really *have* to come out at all? Like make it this big moment? Or can you just mention your girlfriend casually in passing and not really make a scene of it and that is that, and you get back to what really matters like how obscenely delish roasted beets can be with goat cheese?

Or the question on my mind most often: Is it worth telling people your complicated attraction preferences (which damn it aren’t really that complicated) if they will give you the “I love you but I believe that a man and woman should be together” (read: YOU SINNER YOU). Can you still be you and leave out that component of who you are until you’re ready to settle down and have a marriage and what-not? (or civil union or whatever the kids are doing these days?) This is my temptation, but it is also a one-sided act to treat your relationships like a secret: it seems incredibly unfair to make a romantic partner feel like you are hiding them. And it is, no doubt, unkind. And someone you love doesn’t deserve that. But what is the balance? Where do the scales even out? Until I figure this out, I feel like I am pressing “pause”– but it’s not a thing to figure out like “Should I wear a dress today even though the Midwest is ALWAYS COLD?” So how long do you give yourself to make a choice to just tell a select number of people, or to just go ahead and tell everyone despite their hate? Or worse, their disappointment and their fear.Image

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Weight Loss

29 Mar

I’d like to be skinny. Shocking, no?As a woman in her mid-twenties in America, it is not shocking.

It is however to me:

  • Mildly distasteful and self-indulgent
  • Admitting I want something different with my body than what it is now which makes me feel weak somehow, or not confident. Which is bizarre, since shouldn’t making changes make you more confident?
  • Something I want, but fairly low on the list compared to my other wants. e.g. good pizza. And chocolate. And coffee-like drink beverages with creamy sounding names.

So– mmm what to do, what to do. I have a pretty bad old injury that stops me from being “super athlete”. But then the real pain of that injury means my brain does this thing where it says, “Op! No lunges for you… guess you should probably just go sit on the couch for 2 hours instead of, oh I don’t know, MOVE YOURSELF AROUND A BIT.” Also there is that previously mentioned chocolate enjoyment situation. And not “enjoy” like the slowly unwrap and savor a single dark chocolate with antioxidants and a happy heartwarming message while laughing and moving my hair and stuff. Enjoy like NOMNOMNOM that was a good cookie maybe I should eat 3 more in 2 seconds. Crumbs.

Couple that with the revelation I made when I was 16 that the rest of the world is too damn self-absorbed to care about the fact that your jeans are just a little tighter than you might love, and I have this weird sort of love/hate apathy thing going on with the idea of fitness.

But man, I want to trek the world and so forth, so I guess I have to find me some motivation. Gotta lose me 50 pounds kids. Any ideas?

Sexuality

27 Mar

AFP photographer Gérard JulienI know that this blog seems like it will be a melange of thoughts and topics, and it is. I want to share my journey with you– sounds cheesy. Probably is. BUT it is mine, and maybe you can relate to some of it.

Let’s start with sexuality. Oooh. It has the word “sex” in it, so it must be scandalous, right?

Eh. Maybe, maybe not. As a formerly incredibly devote Christian, sex was meant to be something protected, only for your husband upon marriage, and not really a part of your life until that time. I still see some of those things as components of truth (eg– I do think sex can be more meaningful when shared with someone you have a deep emotional connection with, I would still identify as Spiritual), but that leads us to the OTHER things that have changed for me…

  • “Someone” for me can be male or female as long as you have that deep connection that passion, intrigue, and intellect can concoct in you.

This is the major theme of recent exploration for me– and it is still an aspect of my life I have a hard time meshing with the rest of my life. I see my sexuality as a component of my life, not my identifier. How many people do you know who say, “Hey, I’m Tom, and I am straight?” or “Hey, I’m Tom, and I prefer x,y,z sexual component to my life?” I feel like identifying myself as someone who also is attracted to the complexity, beauty, softness, and minds of women is akin to sharing with someone a preference for anything else sexual— it is not something I am ashamed of by any means, but it is mine and it is intensely intimate.

While some people seem to enjoy the identity and boxes that labels can create (which do not get me wrong, does have its benefits); I do not. Just because I have been attracted to or dated women does not mean I am attracted to ALL women, or even a MAJORITY of women. More accurately, I am attracted to a certain set of traits in people which tends to be rare. Would I be attracted to an intensely intelligent, passionate, funny man who happened to be older/shorter/balder/blonder over my go-to physical “type” of curly-haired, tall, brooding mountain men? Overwhelmingly the answer is yes. Similarly, why would the option not be present to also be attracted to a woman who had these alluring non-physical traits?

The answer has incredible repercussions for sexuality and our formation of families in this society, and these ideas are very new for me. Something that I had previously considered aberrant behavior, rebellious, unnatural, and literally “wrong” has instead become a very logical and wholly mundane possibility for human sexuality.  Love is love, I think, and whose business is it whether it is chosen or if you have opened yourself up to a very real and logical ideal of a different kind of love than your initial groomed physical attraction? Objectively, I recognize women as lovely physically— but it is the other traits that woman or man possess that astound me and endear them to me.

Can anyone else relate? Is it worth it to stretch so far in terms of comfort and cerebral ideas of attraction when the “natural” path of societal influence would be so much easier for someone who is not only attracted to the same-sex?