Do you have to have a “coming out” moment?

31 Mar

So, as you may have gathered from my previous post, I suppose I would technically “identify” as bisexual. I don’t wave flags though, and I didn’t check “men” and “women” on Facebook. In fact, it is something that only a handful of people know, although most of my closest friends know (alright, almost all of them!) And to be honest, I have much closer and deeper relationships with them because of it.

One thing they don’t tell you as new, “baby” queer of some sort (look at me with my lingo, God!):

You kind of have to come out again, and again, and again. The best case scenario: it is no big deal. Middle ground: surprise. A lot of surprise. Especially if you are the quiet about it type, and there aren’t too many rainbows in your wardrobe. Worst case: quiet self-righteous disapproval.

The best case scenario got me to thinking: do you really *have* to come out at all? Like make it this big moment? Or can you just mention your girlfriend casually in passing and not really make a scene of it and that is that, and you get back to what really matters like how obscenely delish roasted beets can be with goat cheese?

Or the question on my mind most often: Is it worth telling people your complicated attraction preferences (which damn it aren’t really that complicated) if they will give you the “I love you but I believe that a man and woman should be together” (read: YOU SINNER YOU). Can you still be you and leave out that component of who you are until you’re ready to settle down and have a marriage and what-not? (or civil union or whatever the kids are doing these days?) This is my temptation, but it is also a one-sided act to treat your relationships like a secret: it seems incredibly unfair to make a romantic partner feel like you are hiding them. And it is, no doubt, unkind. And someone you love doesn’t deserve that. But what is the balance? Where do the scales even out? Until I figure this out, I feel like I am pressing “pause”– but it’s not a thing to figure out like “Should I wear a dress today even though the Midwest is ALWAYS COLD?” So how long do you give yourself to make a choice to just tell a select number of people, or to just go ahead and tell everyone despite their hate? Or worse, their disappointment and their fear.Image

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