On letting people (back) into your life

17 Jun

I just mentioned on recent post about how I wasn’t making friends.

That was inaccurate.

I have literally put a pause on forming relationships, period. Oh, I try definitely to tend to the ones I have. But my normally deceptively peppy self (seriously– I confuse people) has now put a moratorium on reaching out to new people. This is reminiscent of a past bad habit I had of listening and asking super poignant questions and forgetting to respond in kind until the other individual came to the uncomfortable realization a few months in that I knew them but they didn’t know me– not really. I consciously stopped that habit by awkwardly inserting knowledge bits about me into conversations at odd times ie:

Potential Friend-like individual: “I have had such a tough day. I can’t decide between lilys and roses.”

Me: (AH they just shared fact. Fact. Okay, I will now share fact): “I like lilacs.” (Shit, shit that isn’t personal. try harder good mate damn it try!) “….we had lilacs growing up. I rescued bunnies and the neighbors down the street raised them for us. (better…better…)

Potential Friend-like individual: “I’m going with roses. It’s our 2 year and that’s safe.”

Me: Cool. Good plan. (relief)

Now I am kinda falling back into same pattern– partially because I’ve been hurt, partially because I don’t want to mess with anyone’s hearts. The first girl I fell in love with called me today after being MIA, and left incredibly kind message. But I am partly guarded because of one particular relationship (on the mend miraculously) that just smashed me to bits. First girl has taken a very VERY conscious effort to get over which I have succeeded, but I’m feeling reluctant to let her back into my life because I don’t want to be yo-yo-ed feelings-wise with her even in friendship capacity. UGH what do you do when you’ve let someone you’ve carefully cultivated relationship with out of your life, and then they want back in? Thoughts?

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