Archive | July, 2013

Sad panda

18 Jul

Today is a sad day.

I miss my ex- girlfriend. We haven’t talked for over a week.

I know, I know. Pathetic you say. Er… a week? you say. It doesn’t seem like very long.

Well shut-up you, I miss her.

But no… I know that it is not long. For example– I haven’t talked to my best friend since her birthday which was about a month ago. But I think the difference is… a) I have the OPTION of talking to her like whenever b) I’m having coffee with her Friday c) I never liked her like that d) She wasn’t the first person I wanted to call all the time with all my stupid stuff and see how her day was and ask how she was and just cuddle with. Losing that for real sucks. But it has to, has to, has to be done. Or we’ll both be sad forever, and I could tell I kept making her sad even though I was happy with just having her in my life– I know sometimes 90 percent is worse than 0 percent, because you just want that extra 10 percent. Which I couldn’t give her. So now we have 0 because… I won’t keep hurting someone I love because I like having them in my life. I won’t do it. Ugh, so when I want to pick up the phone and cry and tell her I miss her, I try to remember that this is better.


Attraction vs. admiration

10 Jul

Do I want you, or do I want to be you?

I know, I know– this sounds a little creeper status. No?

Okay, both alternatives seem creepy. I have been on the receiving end (the “girl-crushed upon”) and was vaguely annoyed said girl was stealing all my mad music discoveries and expecting me to be perfect when I am *definitely* not.

But as a fairly driven individual or even a sorta competent individual, do you ever meet those people you get all starry eyed about? Like you want to follow them like a puppy dog and buy them things like lattes and stickers from the bookstore and just basically ask them how they got so amazing and would they please teach you their ways so one day you can be amazing too?

If not, well find yourself a mentor.

If so, and other person was not attractive or in your pool of potential lovers, welllllll great. Glean genius. Do genius things like write books and make amazing works of art.

But what if you super admire the person AND they are sexy AND you get confused whether or not you want to BE WITH that person or BE someone LIKE that person? Has that ever happened to you and what was your plan?


Not that I am sort of infatuated with my lesbian maybe potential boss or anything. Cuz that’d be weird, and kind of prime-time-y. Curly hair folks. Curly hair. Mind you this crush I don’t have is very innocent and much like I’d imagine a crush on ahem Marion Cotillard would be…. if I had silly celebrity crushes…which I don’t of course.

On Casual Dating

9 Jul

Oh man. Something I’ve been wondering a lot lately is dating intentionally vs casually.

Sooo my old church was the extreme of intentionally eg don’t date unless you see it leading straight to the alter for wedding bells.

Given my newly comfortable sexuality status of bisexual… I am now faced with some hard questions. 

1) IF I don’t see myself coming out to my family (eg mom and dad/grandparents/etc)– is it actually IRRESPONSIBLE to date women?

UGH. I don’t know. I am attracted to both men and women, and I COULD be very happy with a man. And I think it is unfair to limit yourself to only intense dating if that isn’t where you’re at right now.

But I don’t want casually dating someone to equal “slut” or “disregard for feelings”. That is not true at all! It is more that I don’t have a clear picture of what the future could look like with that person, and simply want to enjoy the present. And I very much could date a woman in this way, and have a very fulfilling relationship.


2) Is it selfish? What if they agree to casual dating and someone ends up having more feelings, or feelings develop and then it is just sad times again because of the whole future thing?

What to do, what to do.