I am never dating or breaking up with anyone ever again because it sucks

10 Aug

This blog is becoming depressing.

Whatever, it’s mine, so if you don’t like it– I’m sure there is a much better one out there about like rainbows and puppies and butterflies.

My ex-girlfriend called me today, and we talked for two hours, and I miss her again.

(You. I miss you again.)

And we hung up, and I cried a lot, like the big heaving cry– because I am so fucking selfish. My dog whined and licked my neck and rolled herself onto my shoulder which made me cry more. Now my eyes are red, and people probably think I smoke pot which is why the creeper talked to me when I went and smoked a cigarette from the pack I haven’t smoked for 7 months. That’s when it’s bad folks.

I am so different then I was even a year ago. What is important to me, what I need, what kind of life I want to make. It sucks when something is so so so close, when you can’t put a finger on why it can’t be any more but you know it can’t be– when you want to just pull someone up close and forget the shit going on, and just be together in the moment. THAT is what I want. But there comes a point where you can’t ignore the future thing, and THAT is what I cannot predict, and then it becomes unfair to ask someone to journey with you because you don’t know exactly where the hell that journey is going– and is that okay with you? and at first the answer is yes, then it is uncertain, and then it is no. I want to know. I love you, and can we be together, and will this be forever?

I don’t know if that is something I’ll ever be able to even say for sure. And then you say, I don’t know, and maybe not but now is good, yes? And then– no, probably, but now? Now is so, so good my love, isn’t it?

And then. Now is not good enough, and you realize you’re killing each-other thinking about losing what you have so you decide to make it go away before it is ripped from you, because it is easier that way, right?

No, don’t love me. Don’t do it. Don’t do it, it will hurt. Leave me, my love, leave me, leave me, leave me. Please don’t love me.

I don’t deserve to be hurt then, when I wake up one day, and know you’ve chosen not to love me anymore. How many times have I told you not to love me?


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