Tired but working on being a social entity

10 Aug

Two people asked me out today. One to an art gallery (oooo fancy) and one to the dog park.

I told you, I don’t want to date anyoneeeee ever again. Nope, nope.

I want friends, well, sort of. I want my own friends who are mine and know me and I them and that is what I would like. I talked to my friend *Kayla yesterday for like 2 hours, and it was wonderful and refreshing, and my friend *Sheila (really? Sheila? no one is named Sheila except 40 year old secretaries but meh bear with me). I don’t want new friends, and I don’t want a new lover, I want my people– but alas they are strewn about the country and world, and I am realizing it is very unlikely we will all be together again.

I get oddly melancholy about this fact because I love them and it is hard sometimes starting over, and it sucks, and I love love love Denver already but I love the people I already have more.

Enough, loving Denver:

I made myself get up and take my super cute dog to the farmer’s market. It is weird seeing so many “young” people who aren’t in college– young being, 20’s and 30’s. I put on my friendly face and like 10 people wanted to know my dog’s name. My name? No. But it’s a start. It was gorgeous, and like the people are intensely gorgeous. They’re running with their little outfits and gear and biking oh my. I, on the other hand, am wearing pearls, a blue dress, and my Birkenstocks. Lottling about. Slowly, and looking at stuff. I crossed the bridge out of lohi, and walked along the river. I got coffee, and the first kid to ask me out asked me where my boyfriend was and why I looked so pretty. Weird. I’m not pretty. Not in a like ohhhh compliment me way, but I’m kind of nasty with chapped lips and my hair is still short. Cute maybe, but it was still nice. He asked what I liked doing, blah blah art gallery. I said thanks and I would think about it, but we both knew it meant no sorry I am still recovering from love and you’re cute but not as cute as the barista with curly hair.

Then decided to go to a meetup, and met a couple who was awesome YEY FRIENDS and actually talked with them for a really long time. They are cool, and the gal invited me to do like intense bootcamp workout with her– and I kinda looked at her weird and so aight. Soooo. Bootcamp it is. First official Denver people I liked.

Then I lingered outside, and aggressive tattoo girl sat down and chatted with me for awhile and was intense about exchanging information. Also not going to happen but it was nice to get out and about.

As a side note, I am on accutane which can have mood effects, suicidal thoughts, blah. I’ve struggled with this in the past– not in like a blah I hate the world kind of way but more like in an “existing right now seems a lot more difficult than just… not existing would be.” It is hard to explain. Yesterday was hard for me, and I may have googled how much of the meds (sleeping pills) do you have to take for it to kill you? And then I though that my apartment was too messy to kill myself, so I signed up for kayaking lessons instead. I mean that sounds dramatic, but like I said– not depressed or like ugh I hate life, or like blood and dark things. More like not existing holds a certain curiosity/peace and I get exhausted thinking about having to live for another 50 years sometimes. I’ll probably talk to my doctor about it, but I don’t really want to talk to my friends/family about it because it sounds concerning or something.


4 Responses to “Tired but working on being a social entity”

  1. Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 10, 2013 at 9:40 pm #

    I moved to Denver last year and am pretty sure I was at the same farmer’s market as you this morning. With my dog, who also garners way more attention that I do, which I’m A-OK with. Your candid reflections and honesty are refreshing — I’ll absolutely be following (I know very few bloggers in Denver, actually) I just hope Denver becomes a little more friendly sooner than later for you!

    • smalltasks August 10, 2013 at 9:48 pm #

      Hi there! That is funny, I think so šŸ™‚ I clicked on your page, and I actually am in the last 20 pages of Divergent– fast fun read. Denver itself is super friendly, and I am thrilled to be here. Change in general just doesn’t sit easy occasionally. If you know any good highlands things you recommend to check out, definitely let me know!

      • Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 10, 2013 at 9:54 pm #

        Couldn’t agree more on change, especially when it’s multiple major life “changes” at once. Life really can be a joy sometimes ((sarcasm)) We’re there every weekend, so maybe we’ll catch you next Saturday.
        As for the Highlands, we love it and spend most of our time there. What types of spots are you looking for? Feel free to email me (anabbett@gmail.com) if that’s easier as well…

      • Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 10, 2013 at 9:55 pm #

        PS: Funny on Divergent as well, how many other similarities can we find here? Your dog isn’t named Gus by chance?

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