Aside 17 Aug

Talked to ex-girlfriend. She called, I really thought she wouldn’t. I am surprised, after how the dangerous situation went.

She said she still cares, but I just don’t know. I will be the first to admit that we had a lot of external factors that strained our relationship, and ultimately was the reason we broke up. She moved on– super fast. I’m not invalidating that you can start new relationships quickly, but I guess that was hurtful for me. I never didn’t love her– and thinking of dating other people pales– so the fact that she could just drop how she said she felt so quickly was part of what confused me, and made me question if she ever loved me. The whole incident yesterday confirmed that she no longer does. I thought.

But. I talked to her. She said she loves me. I don’t know if that is enough for her. I don’t know if I’m enough for her. It hasn’t been easy and I know love sometimes isn’t easy but it sure is nice when it is. Just her and I, without all the other things— it is perfect. Like, ridiculously romance-novel perfect. We knew each other so well, read each other’s emotions and needs like a page— and then responded to them. I trusted her more than I’ve ever trusted anyone, was vulnerable that I’ve ever been with anyone. It hurts me so much that those things don’t seem to matter to her, that she so quickly gave up. Which I know I said I wanted– but bullshit, of course I didn’t. I just was in a place of not moving and didn’t want her hurting. What else was I supposed to say? 

But she may love someone else more than me, someone a little lighter, a little safer. There is nothing wrong with that. But now in my heart there is an open light, like a window I couldn’t see before because it was too dirty. A way to have all the things. But it costs me dearly to keep it open, it costs me. It makes me tired. It makes me so hopeful but that hurts so badly– it would be so much easier just to let that window scar over and force my life forward. Which I can do. I can. 

I just need to know what she wants, really wants. I need to know if she loves me. I need to know if she hates me for taking so long. I need to know if the new person she is dating is better than the love we had and future we could have. If so, I’ve told her I’ll let her be– effectively cut myself out of her life. She deserves that if she doesn’t love me anymore. 

But! If she does! Oh, we could have a beautiful life, you know? And not just dreaming about it but making it happen. 

I’m tired, and I’m very weary. 

 

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