Navigating Spaces

17 Aug

Okay, I realize I’ve been a ball of whompiness for this whole week. I’m trying to be peaceful— if ex-girlfriend loves me, this is a decision for her now and is out of my hands. I’m not going to try and force anything, and I don’t want her to do anything she doesn’t want. She asked for some time, and I said I would give it to her. She deserves it! I am impatient, but meh you know. Aren’t we all?

So– for me, what does that mean? It means I am not really looking to date (even casually) until I know her feelings. Maybe that is not the best way, but– I guess I have a hard time being with someone else when my mind/heart is elsewhere.

THAT BEING SAID: I have some spaces to navigate. I mentioned in a previous post I find myself attracted to women MORE than men these days— before it was kind of 50/50. It puts me in a weird space where the only reason we broke up was because of the whole family thing, but now, that reason seems stupid. STUPID. 

But again– having my own space, a new city where being in same-sex relationships is super-celebrated, churches are prominent, and I am becoming more and more comfortable discussing my needs with my family (I have told them– I’ll consider church, but it needs to be gay friendly. I have told them I think being gay is in no way wrong and it personally offends me when they say that. I told them I completely understand same-sex attraction, and just because it may be different doesn’t mean it’s wrong.)

All these things coupled with the fact that there are just so many gay/bi women and it seems to be so acceptable (I know I sounds so antiquated) is a really interesting space to be in. I’ve met two really interesting women who I know are gay/bi/sexuality fluidish. But– here’s the thing. Even though I AM more interested in women, and COULD see coming out to my family this year– I am in a pickle. Why would I start dating another woman when I broke up with ex-girlfriend because I had a hard time seeing how family would react? It seems weird to then start dating another woman you know (again, especially until I can better gauge where she is at. Again, it may not be worth it for her because it HAS been hard, and I can’t promise that it will be easy with the coming out process.)

HOWEVER– that brings me to navigating spaces with other awesome women (who like to salsa and hike!) There is the weird playing bit where she’s like are you single? And my mind screams: “No!” but I kind of mumble “I guess.” One gal is a bit more into me– we met at a meet-up for “Girls who like girls who like beer.” Classy, no? She is pretty but… kind of not that interesting even though she should be. We have all the same commonalities but she laughs in delayed way after jokes (is that mean? too picky? lol). But I mean I need people, so I’m willing to hang with her and see how it goes. She is super into a lot of the things I’m into.

The other gal is kind of amazing. This week we’ve hung out maybe 3 times. She has super blue eyes and super crazy awesome curly hair, and is sassy, and amazing at salsa. She’s only dated one woman, but we also had same conversation about being single, and I answer but feel like I’m lying. She doesn’t drink at all, and she is super sharp. She is getting her PhD and cares about disabled people. She was over until 3 am last night– we just laughed a lot and it was nice. Easy. Not sad, not hard. I imagine this is how ex-girlfriend feels. And it IS nice. But, it only lasts while I’m with gal. When I am alone with my thoughts, I know honestly that my heart is still with ex-girlfriend– my investment, and knowing of each other, and feelings. But– it does put me in an interesting space with forming new relationships and taking romance off the table in spaces where it is probably confusing to people why my heart can’t be in any type of romantic place. Life be confusing yo!


3 Responses to “Navigating Spaces”

  1. Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 17, 2013 at 9:52 pm #

    I hope this doesn’t come across wrong, but you are TOTALLY reminding me why I hated dating. I am just no good at it myself. . . I can be so damn awkward!

    • smalltasks August 18, 2013 at 12:13 am #

      Haha, no for real though. Or explaining why you aren’t interested at the moment. It is tiring!

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