Thoughts before you think casually you could die

17 Aug

I know I’m posting too much. It is 3:42 am. After the dangerous situation, I went salsa dancing, threw a party, had people over. It is quiet now. I related well to the people. I danced. I laughed a lot. I tried to be normal. I tried to pretend I hadn’t been crying in my car for an hour.

Today was scary. I was floating and watching everything. If I were to get shot, if I were to die– the only thing on my mind was how I should have told her more than I did, leave a letter for her, just let her know that I love her. I fucked it up. It makes me mad because I don’t think it’s even my fault, but all people have limits of how much they will love you.

I wanted to write her that I would love her no matter what, and I’m sorry that I couldn’t find this fact sooner, and I’m sorry I didn’t know. I thought about what dying in that place would be like– (to reiterate I’m fine. Not dead.) But I didn’t know the situation, I didn’t know where the shooter was.

As I hid, I thought these things: “I love my sister. This would kill my dad. My apartment is too messy, I should have cleaned it. I should have deleted and thrown away my sad poetry so they didn’t know how heavy my heart could be. I wish I had called my grandma back instead of having lunch. I hope my sister has a beautiful wedding. I hope my brother becomes a good man. I hope my mom and dad won’t be too sad for too long. I wish I was kinder. I wish I was better. I wish I wasn’t selfish, and I wish I had loved and known more people and done more in my life. I hope she knows that I love her, and never stopped, and I wish I could tell her I want to come out to my family. I wish I could tell her she was my love. I wish I could hold her one more time, and oh that would hurt the most if I died in this building and she didn’t know. I hope she knows. I wish I could hold her while I died, it would be better. I wish I never was tired, and always took the time I should to check in. I hope I leave them and they are happy and joyful. I hope I didn’t cause irreparable pain to anyone. I hope they remember me. I hope I can remember them when I die. 

I wish I could hold her.”

I am crying now, and it is dark. 

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