Keeping busy

18 Aug

Writing is how I process, so again, forgive me for the waxing and the waning.

I have been trying to keep my mind and body busy to stop thinking all these future thoughts (exciting! scary!) that aren’t up to me at this point. Grad schools…. locations of grad schools… although I don’t want these to necessarily only depend on my relationship status— the reality is that giving up the tie/disappointment of my family for awhile in coming out makes everything else easy peasie. I now think things like distance or school/job choices are A PIECE OF CAKE. Those can be changed so much easier than people’s opinions– and once you realize that if people love you– you can only hope their love can be greater than their prejudices– everything else is just logistics. Been starting the application process for grad school, and trying to be objective about it. But… that can be hard to be!

IN THE MEAN TIME. While I wait. Gal who I said I met (bi, similar interests) has been super persistent. Home girl called me 6 times today! Granted, I told her I would meet her at this festival and kind of blew her off (I was tired and needed time for me). However, time for me is looking a lot like wallowing right now, and so I am overcompensating by filling it jam packed full. I maybe talked on the phone to my best friend for a couple hours, and then I decided to meet gal with similar interests who came across as boring. (I am mean. I am. I’m allowed to be honest here).

I have done so much legwork to not be bored that I now am fighting off offers of entertainment potential lol 🙂 I pretty much ignored most of them, but as I said Blonde Girl (I’ll call her that), was very insistent.

So I met her at a country western bar, which is not my jam. She was much more in her element not being with the 50 year old lesbians haha. I only stayed an hour because I was meeting Pretty Eyes (I’ll call sassy girl that…!) at 10 for comedy duel theater (OMG SO my element!) But Blonde Girl surprised me– she was less demure and more taking control– which is kind of weird for me but not in a bad way. We ended up chatting and dancing and stuff, and I actually did have fun. Neither of us actually knew how to two-step, and there actually WERE a couple dirty looks shot our way as we did an awkward salsa-type country shenanigan. Folks, it was BAD. NOT CUTE. lol. We finally just gave up and threw up our hands and shook them around a lot and tried to keep the beat to the country music a bit. 

THEN, because I am trying to exhaust myself to not think– I met Pretty Eyes at an theater duel– kinda like Second City. It was super fun– and again Pretty Eyes and I had a blast. She wants to go buy tubes and go river tubing tomorrow together— which again is my jam! I love adventure! Love love love it! We’ve made a list of things to do.

But. I want do these things. I do. But I want to do them with her (ex-girlfriend who I’ll refer to as Lovely). I want to do them with Lovely, not Blonde Girl. Not Pretty Eyes. Whomp.

But. It is a good distraction, and I’m less worried with Pretty Eyes because I like her MORE than Blonde Girl but I feel more comfortable with her understanding my relationship woes, where-as Blonde Girl thinks I’m crazy for being hung-up on someone who moved on so fast. Pretty Eyes understands and DOES NOT think I am crazy, which is a definite thing I look for in my people– although when Blonde Girl wants to do things I have no problem being like “eh” where with Pretty Eyes, I definitely do want to do fun things even though I’m exhausted. But it helps distract me until the damp and overwhelming love for Lovely sets in like a fog– in my chest, my hair, my skin. 



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