Proposals, Lovely, Blonde Girl, and Coming out letter

19 Aug

Oh autostraddle, you warm my heart!! http://www.autostraddle.com/this-is-a-love-letter-with-an-ending-just-for-you-178526/

You know, I’m still not sure what will happen with Lovely. I don’t know if she is back from *NYC, if she even really wants to have future conversation, or if it is better to go back to thinking future conversation is not on the table. Mmm. I ruminate. I try and reign in my heart and be objective. I try and prepare myself in case she doesn’t want to see me again.

Blonde Girl came over last night, and we shared a meal. She was nervous. It was weird because I wasn’t nervous at all– but I could tell she was. She wanted to stay longer, but I had to work and was tired and didn’t want her to. She wants me to go to a strip club with her– and I was kind of taken aback. I feel like that is not a thing that you invite someone to do. I have always wanted to go to a burlesque show– but that feels intimate.

I drafted a letter to my parents that I am going to send them after I tell my dad:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time. When I went to Argentina*, Curly Hair* and I just had an amazing connection. We found ourselves drawn to each other’s humor, passion, intelligence, and kindness. I fell in love with her. When I moved to South Dakota*, I met Lovely. I had never connected with anyone like I did her, and I fell in love with her. We dated for a long time, and I gave her up because I didn’t know if I could have both her and you.

I am attracted to both men and women.

It is terrifying to tell you this—but I want you to know how much I love you, and how much I want you to know who I really am, and how much I want to live authentically. I feel complete peace about it—it really is a non-issue for me, and my spirit is calm. You not knowing and wanting to tell you has been really difficult, but I didn’t want to cause you confusion or disappointment or fear. I honestly still have no idea how you will react, but I know it is a big piece of information. I wanted to see if this was specific to Curly Hair or specific to Lovely, but it is something that is a part of me and I want you to know all of me. I’m actually not really any different at all—I’m just me!

I love you so much, and I understand if you have questions or need time to process. I know it is scary and overwhelming and concerning and different and difficult and devastating a bit. But I am happy, I have vision, I feel good with God, I feel good with myself. I don’t know what it means for my future, I am just taking one day at a time. Know that for me to tell you this at all only displays how very highly I think of you and how very, very much I love you.

Smalltasks

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One Response to “Proposals, Lovely, Blonde Girl, and Coming out letter”

  1. Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 19, 2013 at 4:58 pm #

    Very well put — I really can’t imagine what it would be like to go through this, but that letter has it down pretty well from what I can see!

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