Aside 20 Aug

I am trying to remember what I thought when I told Lovely we couldn’t talk for awhile.

I remember thinking I couldn’t stand to do the right thing, which was to tell her to move on. I remember thinking that it was unbearable to talk with her and love every second, and then turn around and be like… yeah but…. we can’t be together.

I never doubted my own feelings for her. I never doubted the second she called me I would answer (and did). But– after today. (Another night of insomnia. Of hating food. Of tired eyes.) I have this light that illuminated, and I KNOW why she built that wall around herself from me.

SHE didn’t know. SHE didn’t know that when I said we should take some time, what I really meant was I love you, I can’t watch you date other people, I can’t tell you not to be with me because I don’t believe it myself.

SHE had indefinite separation from US. SHE didn’t know that I thought of her every second of every day, hoping she would call. Hoping she would fight. Hoping I would have the courage to fight for us too.

But that’s how people break-up. Someone says I can’t fight, and the other says okay. I won’t fight either.

Except sometimes someone says, “I can’t fight”–because they don’t know they can. They aren’t strong enough.

When I said, “Let’s not speak for awhile”: I meant, “I love you. I can’t tell us not to fight. I don’t know what to do.”

When she said, “Let’s not speak for awhile”: She meant, “I don’t love you. I don’t want to fight for us. I don’t want to love you again.”


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