Feeling more optimistic

24 Aug

Puppy seems to be almost in the clear. Talked to Lovely, and when Lovely talked to puppy, puppy just lit up and started licking the phone. Puppy hasn’t been eating still, and her little bones are starting to pop out– but she has been drinking water and I threw her little dino, and she doddled over to get it.

Talked to Lovely for almost an hour. She did care about Puppy, I guess. She said it has been a hard week for her, which is hard for me to understand. I never stopped loving her, so it is surprising to me that she was having a hard time when she picked someone else.

I don’t want to say she gave up on us, but she did. I don’t blame her. I didn’t make it easy. I told her we needed time. I didn’t reassure her that it wasn’t because of love that I needed time– but because of everything else. I should have told her. I should have screamed it. I should have been more open-minded to what our love could look like long term. I should have gotten down on one knee. I shouldn’t have put my family’s happiness above my own, and above hers.

But there was a fork in the road, and she met someone else. Someone easier. Someone smarter, funnier, prettier. I don’t know. But for whatever reason– it isn’t worth it to her to try again with me when she has someone better. I understand. I guess. Movies and books aren’t always right– I guess love doesn’t always win.

“You’ll find someone else.” She said. I think she doesn’t understand that this isn’t what I’m worried about. Not like, oh heyyyy guys I’m amazing– but. I’m alright πŸ™‚ I’ve been asked out at least a handful of times while I’ve been here. I’m not super ugly, super boring hopefully. But– and this is the part that is hurtful that I just need to get over– I don’t want anyone else. And Lovely did/does. She said that her new relationship doesn’t negate ours– but I have a hard time with that. I don’t understand how she could let us go if she loved who we were together, what we built. She thought I was done– I was never, ever done. I thought I was doing the right thing by giving us time, but I pushed her away.

I see it with us. This is why I spent so many nights crying at home when I thought I couldn’t have her– I see the kids, the future, the travel, the adventure, the spontaneity, the growing old and having a porch and a swing and backyard and the dogs. Writing books and talking into the night and cuddling and holding each other and I see it. I want it. If she asked me to marry her, I would say yes.

THAT IS CRAZY. I’ve never, ever felt that way.

But. She closed the door in her heart. She doesn’t want to know how pretty I think she is, and smart, and how even though it has been rough it wouldn’t always be. I could see our future, but she is expunging it from herself. Making it not be. Making it be with someone else.

Now I know that doesn’t sound optimistic πŸ™‚ But. I think we can be friends. I just want her in my life. I can’t have her as my love, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love her. At first she said she wants me to not love her anymore before we are friends– and that devastated me because I can’t stop loving her. I can hide it, I can put it in the attic underneath the old china and heirlooms from my grandma, but I can’t stop loving her. Or I won’t. I love her. I do.

I have a peace, I guess. With the shooter, with the not wanting to live this last week. Literally getting sick over losing someone. There is a clarity in knowing that you’ve loved someone so deeply. She’s letting it go. She wants it gone. If her feelings for me, whatever are left, could just disappear– I know she would want it to. But for me– I am so grateful that the person she is even exists in this world. I have peace knowing she is living now, and I feel so much joy knowing that she is going to touch so many lives, and that I had the privilege of loving someone like her. I am so, so grateful– even if she doesn’t want me. I am grateful for who she is. If I were to die today, this week. I would know she knows I love her, and that gives me peace. I would know she is an amazing woman with so much to offer this world, and leaving the world with her in it— people don’t even know how lucky they are to have her here.

Thus the optimism. Who she is gives me hope for the people in this world. I can hide it. Behind the china. But I would be a fool to make myself stop loving her.

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2 Responses to “Feeling more optimistic”

  1. Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 24, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

    So glad puppy is starting to get better.

    • smalltasks August 24, 2013 at 6:38 pm #

      Thanks gal! We still need to do something in the highlands sometime! πŸ™‚

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