Puppy update and “dating”

24 Aug

Puppy is still not doing well. I am worried, and not sure quite what to do 😦 Do I admit her for a week? Do I keep watching her? She seems peppier but is having accidents and the vet said that could be kidney damage. I love the puppy.

I debated telling Lovely, and after a few days of throwing up and shaking and moaning by puppy, decided to call Lovely. She didn’t care.

Maybe this is an eye opener for me– if it was any one of my friends, much less someone I said I loved at one point, I would definitely at least be there for them with hard times. I feel like with the whole shooter situation and puppy getting poisoned– her not caring about those things cements that whatever we had or thought we had might not be real anyways. Even when I thought we should take time a part, I would have flown there in a second if one of those things happened to her. Dude, at this point I could be hit by a bus or struck by cancer, and pretty sure Lovely wouldn’t blink.

I guess love has to be returned, eh? It shakes me up too with the whole thinking of ways to propose and thinking of ways to integrate my family with my life and ours together. It kind of scares me because I really thought we had the real deal– but if someone doesn’t want to be there for you when it is tough, I guess that isn’t love. Or even friendship, really. It makes me second guess all the feelings she said she had if she can be so apathetic towards things she said she cared about. My puppy is like my baby, and puppy is still struggling. I would be so devastated– I can’t even think about putting her to sleep. I raised her (well– Lovely did too. Part of my surprise– but I guess that is that.)

I did go on a date with Blonde girl last night. We went to dinner, a jazz band, and went for a walk across the bridge. It was nice. But you know how if you have a thing for someone, you want to spend alllll the moments with them? Blonde girl is super pretty, and probably smartish. She is definitely a California girl– all blonde hair (duh), blue eyes, and legs. But– I don’t know. Maybe I’m pushing myself to go out too soon– but I’m just not that enthralled, you know? More like– hmmm. We’ll see. But not– oh! Wow! You and me– connect instantly! She wanted to spend the night and watch movies, but I said no. Part of me was tempted– she *is* a great distraction, pretty funny, super flirty. I like having someone in my bed. I like the intimacy of being held and holding, and protecting one another from the world with our bodies. But I like that– with Lovely. Anything else would feel like a replacement– once again, not bad! Good, even!

But then in the quiet alone, I WOULD KNOW I don’t want that with anyone else and anything else would only be good in the moment I think.

Even just having Blonde girl spend the night with me without anything going down would have felt forced and kind of surreal, and that isn’t fair to Blonde girl or me. So I hugged her goodnight, turned away from her kiss, and went home alone.

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One Response to “Puppy update and “dating””

  1. Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 24, 2013 at 2:01 pm #

    My thoughts are with puppy! Hope he gets better soon!

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