Coming Out- Part II of Aftermath

29 Aug

I know I did a drastic thing.

I knew this, and feared it, and prepped myself for it many times over.

The devastation of Lovely essentially wanting to erase me overwhelmed me and everything else stopped mattering (has stopped mattering). My life, my health, just everything seems so insignificant next to it. So much so that coming out to my family was like draining a wound– it had to be done to heal.

Sigh. Fuck.

I knew it would be bad. I knew it would be bad.

But.. I was kind of hoping they would be like we’re confused but of course we love you.

Ha. HA!

Not a chance.

My mom won’t talk to me at all on the phone. She’s been texting long essays to the effect of “Wow, thought I knew you, but I don’t” and “Well it definitely changes things, there is a major wedge between us” and “I am deeply saddened by your choice, I’m not going to act or pretend that it’s okay because I don’t.”

Sigh. Fuck. Shit.

I just want to get to the part where they accept me blah blah and my love and who I am! I am happy for me, why can’t they be? I like being a whole person and not pieces of one, I like being the same person around my Love as my friends as my family (cutting out a few expletives here and there).

My mom claims she wants a “great, close” relationship– well here it is. You know what you don’t share with your parents in a surface relationship? Anything hard. Anything controversial. Anything dissident from their beliefs. So parents with kids that don’t share that stuff are fooling themselves if they think it isn’t there.

Real life, knowing ME, knowing YOU– sometimes it isn’t pretty, and it is messy, and complicated. The thing that makes me mad is that my relationship with Lovely was ONLY wonderful EXCEPT the family thing (which made it messy and complicated). There was nothing wrong or dirty or bad or evil or hateful or sinful about who we were together. We had a great fucking relationship, and it was one of the healthiest I’ve been in until the end of it– and that was because we both were like WHY end something awesome?

I am trying not to be mad at my mom. Trying to be understanding. Trying to give her space. But I AM mad. I AM upset. Why do I have to suffer because of their prejudices, or feel like I have to apologize for who I am?

I will not fucking apologize for my sexuality– I spent too many years having too many people try and get me to be ashamed of something that is mine and FUCK THEM not theirs. Go be angsty and ashamed of your own damned body and sex life, and leave me out of it.

I mean, obviously I don’t say these things to my parents. I love them, right? But they are supposed to love me too, and loving someone means letting them be who they are without shaming them for it. ARGH how do you gently do this?

How do you give someone time and try not to be mad at them for taking too long (it’s been like 3 days man!)

Tell meeeeee!

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3 Responses to “Coming Out- Part II of Aftermath”

  1. Chocolate Covered Race Medals August 29, 2013 at 3:44 am #

    All I can say is it’s OK to be hurt and mad. Who wouldn’t?

    • smalltasks August 29, 2013 at 3:49 am #

      Aw thanks gal. I’m not… yet. But I will be if they keep it up! I understand because I thought they way they do, but I am impatient too. How are you? Walked the dog by Sloans lake today, so fun!

  2. Ivan30something August 29, 2013 at 9:04 am #

    Congratulations! 3days? This is your life you’re talking about dude. If I could give an advice, you’ve done the hard bit. Don’t respond to negativity. Silence is golden and only reply back to positive conversations – they are in a new world now as much as you are and need to set boundaries. Showing them that you are willing to talk andbe open to include them in your life but only through constructive NOT counter-productive dialogues/actions. Your parents love you no matter what and you have to hold on to this thinking even if it seems impossible. They wouldn’t reac this way afterall if it didn’t matter to them so much. That’s just part of being human. Being gay is not a choice and you have to somehow make them understand that if it was, then you would choose not to upset them. You did a very brave thing young man! Things will get better I promise 🙂

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