Archive | September, 2013

My what a difference a few weeks can make

25 Sep

It’s been awhile– but remember that date I went on? With adventurous girl?

Yeah…. I like her. A lot. and she likes me. and wants us to be exclusive.

And we hike and kiss and hold hands and she is a bit introverted and a bit guarded but brilliant and funny and sarcastic and likes theater and likes medicine and I LIKE HER MUCHO and it is freaking both of us out because… it’s been what… 2.5- 3 weeks? I don’t know about this “exclusive” thing. But I know I’m not seeing anyone else right now. I didn’t mean for this to be a serious relationship or seem serious at all– but I think I’m actually maybe more into her than she is to me! But I don’t know man. Is that too soon?

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

What’s the plan? I have no idea. But I do know that I am intrigued by her, and she is tough tough so tough… until there is this glimmer of vulnerability, this laugh, this surprise that she is laughing. And it is adorable and I crave it, and she is a good kisser, and I am not sure what to do with her.

Life is interesting.

8 Sep

SO, remember that one time two weeks ago I said I didn’t ever want to date again?

Yeah …… well ….. lies.

Clarification– I want to date, but I don’t want to date seriously. I want to date in a way that is not complicated, that is fun and doesn’t make my heart hurt, that I enjoy doing. I met this gal. 

I know, I know.

I told you I went on this date the other day. It went really well. We proceeded to then spend another 4-5 hours together on the next day, and most of yesterday as well. She is lovely.

I am excited. 

I haven’t had that fluttery excited feeling about meeting someone new since I met Lovely. I will call this gal Adventurous. Adventurous and I have a lot in common, including our perspective on relationships and life. We just met 3 days ago, but I feel like I’ve known her much longer.

I can kind of relate to Lovely’s month long relationship becoming intense fairly quickly.

I don’t want things to be intense though, just to set the temperature in this place and keep it here. Fun and light and exciting. I love that phase.

 

Dates and Dreams

6 Sep

I keep dreaming about Lovely.

I wake up sad, like someone I loved has died.

Yesterday in my dream I asked if I could hold her hand, and she said yes. We walked along a path with flowers on the sides, holding hands. We were walking down a hill, and there was a bum playing the acoustic guitar and we both agreed it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I told her I’m sorry I broke her heart, I’m sorry it took so long. She said she knew, and she was sorry she made a wall around her heart. I told her about the date I went on, and she said she was happy in her new relationship. I nodded, and told her I was excited about the date I was on. At the end of the path we embraced, and then started kissing, and she whispered “I hope I’ll be back” and I said “Me too.” And then we kissed again and I woke up crying because I let go of her hand.

During my days I’ve been keeping myself so busy. I’m more upset that Lovely cut me out of Facebook and her life than I am that she is dating someone else. She promised me she wanted a friendship– was that a lie? I am confused and really hurt by her doing that, as stupid as it sounds. But I mean if someone doesn’t want me in their life, I am not going to force them to have me in it! But it is also strange for someone to just try and erase me 😦 I would have liked to *talk* to her, to just be friends, to share stuff– but she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. Like I said– I guess if someone thinks I am that awful of a human being, I wouldn’t want them to have to put up with the likes of me, eh?

Yesterday, I went on a date. My choice is to either curl up in my bed and rock back and forth (which I did for like 2 weeks) and cry OR distract myself.

And pretty people are good distractions.

At first I was nervous to meet this one gal, she was so formal on the phone. BUT SHE WAS AWESOME.

I set my alarm in case it went badly, and it was fantastic. She was a stage manager for a show on broadway (sooo I don’t want to give too much info because of identifying information). She was in a *very* long term relationship, and now she wants to be a flight rescue gal in the mountains by day, and open her own theater production company by night. So cool! And she has the cutest laugh (I sense a theme of intelligence and humor and happiness and confidence in the people I’m attracted to). And she was super smart. And funny. And really good at humor and jokes and likes beer and doesn’t like partying too much, and is wise.

It was strange to be honest. We met at 6:15 and didn’t leave until they closed the patio at 11. And it was nice. And I felt something, this giggly butterfly happy feeling that I haven’t felt for awhile.

Life is strange. Okay self I make you shut down and be distracted,  if that is what I have to do to live, I guess that’s what I’ll do.

After first kiss with Smiles*

2 Sep

Found this gem as I was digging up some of my writing. This is right after my kiss with Smiles* (now at this time– we were in Argentina*, I had a mad crush on a guy with a serious girlfriend, Smiles was trying to figure out if she was bi or gay or what, and I had never considered it). I also was drunk out of my mind and did not actually piece things together until later. But apparently my mind knew what I didn’t. Embarrassing and poor Smiles.

Enjoy:

Restless restless restless.

“I ached for my heart like some tin min. And when it came oh it beat and it boiled and it rang. Oh it’s ringing.”

I ache for my heart. Maybe the way to name this feeling is it is not that my mind is restless (oh wretched tendency) but it is my heart.

But it is more than that. It is not even as if I cannot sleep, and this would be the end of my problem.  If this were true, I could predict the happenings. I would lie awake, most likely for hours. I would toss, and turn, and curse the clock. My legs would intertwine with the lilac sheets, and every physical feeling would be noted objectively. I would bemoan my misfortune, and consider life paths, life loves, medical school, running away to be a writer, the to-do list that is always etched in the forefront of my mind (which is ridiculous because the frontal lobe has little to do with memory). I would then fall asleep, fitfully, just about the time the Konchos geared their engines in the morning. I would wake up, and probably not fully function the entire day. Right around 5 pm I may wake up, and a dreadful cycle would begin—(one of which I am quite familiar).

Unfortunately it is not just that I cannot sleep, although this is a consequence. I have a sizzling energy about me that hasn’t left me all day. It is a tip of the tongue feeling, something that should be addressed. Something I am forgetting, and my body is embodying this memory of something that makes me slightly uncomfortable but is exciting. I am the opposite of bored, but this is trapping me.  Like I need to decide, or have a painful conversation, or that something is about to happen and it will be devastating in either a beautiful or dreadful way—but we (audience) do not know which yet. I have the inclination that somehow that outcome is up to me, but I have no idea what I am even talking about right now. It is just a very specific feeling.

None of my normal mechanisms are available to me.  I cannot run. I cannot even walk here as far as I could and come back for hours in whichever direction I want. (I know I harp on the lacking of Idaho*—but the safety is priceless). I cannot take a hot shower. I cannot paint.  I cannot sing.

But I can write, and so here we are.

It is nervousness and anticipation and the pit of my stomach telling me I am afraid of something, but the way every cell in my body is buzzing—I cannot tell if I should actually be afraid; or merely embrace whatever is about to happen. I don’t think this is premonition exactly, but I simply feel like I am missing something big.

If I could wrap my feelings into a few other emotions, it would be a combination of the following:

1)   Facing something when I am not sure of the other person’s reaction, and that reaction matters to me.

2)   Trying to recall a word that is the perfect one to be able to describe a situation, but not being able to.

3)   A first date.

4)   A large decision that will affect my or others’ lives.

5)   Anticipation.

6)   When I know something is coming (ie a tornado).

7)   After a resolution to do something difficult, but you know you must in order to be at peace.

8)   How I felt after that walk with Alex* (aside—boy with girlfriend).

Sidebar: I am not sure if it is even wise to get into that, at this point. I am not sure if this has to do with him, but I somehow don’t think so. Mostly because no matter how difficult and annoying those feelings are, Alex does not make me feel on edge or anxious or buzzing or ‘sparkly’—Alex makes me feel like me. He is like a cup of ‘no-pun-intended’ (dear Lord my dear, are you really making jokes to yourself during your crazy maniacal quest to discover whatever the hell is wrong with you?)

But really. despite the conflicting emotions and desire to stay away from any bindings I may have to someone who quite obviously cannot be mine, Alex makes me relaxed, comfortable, like a higher-definition of myself. I feel like I understand him, he I. There is no buzzing or anxiety there, only comfort. Although I could understand your original suspicions that it could be this—I really don’t think it is. Even with the e-mail situation, everything is definitely calculated. It is not as if I am surprised that I relate in such a real manner to him. I am not twitter-pated, I have no butterflies, I am not surprised. It just objectively is what it is—but that doesn’t make it easier that I objectively like him and his character. I feel like the reason whatever this feeling is, is similar to the walk after Alex was that then I was toying with the idea of telling him how I felt. However, I have not even considered that as a possibility since then, which is why I am reticent to say this today has anything to do with Alex.

Maybe this is discovery enough for now, I am hoping this feeling will be gone in the morning.

Kiddos

2 Sep

So, my padre is coming around. I think.

He emailed me just saying he loved me, he had kind of figured it out when I ranted about what love was a month ago. And he doesn’t want to talk about it now, but sometime. Same with mom– she is much more pouty which annnnnnnoys me.

So yes. We will wait and see.

IN THE MEAN TIME.

I love my job. It is exhausting, but I love it, I love it. I stayed an hour late to talk to a gal on Friday, just me and her. And there is this beautiful moment when these kids’ guard goes down, and they realize I actually care, and they just begin to SPEAK. Like, just talk to me. Pouring out their feelings and hearts and just wanting someone to listen and acknowledge that yeah they may be 14, but life is not easy for them. This isn’t a prep school, or a magnet school. These are schools where there are uniforms so that the gangs can’t pressure kids to wear their tags, where moms yell at their kids for having their periods because “that must mean you had sex,” where brothers and sisters drop out because they get pregnant as a freshman. These kids have challenges– but that doesn’t mean they aren’t smart, or very VERY aware of the climb they face.

And they want someone to know that they may be 14, but damn it if they were only 14, why the hell should they have to deal with all of this? And they come in, they have hard faces and look tough, and I somehow am able to disarm them and let them just be in this place with me where I ask them to look at what they want, and what they could be capable of wanting, and most of all let them know that they deserve it.

I am so grateful.