Coming Out- Part II of Aftermath

29 Aug

I know I did a drastic thing.

I knew this, and feared it, and prepped myself for it many times over.

The devastation of Lovely essentially wanting to erase me overwhelmed me and everything else stopped mattering (has stopped mattering). My life, my health, just everything seems so insignificant next to it. So much so that coming out to my family was like draining a wound– it had to be done to heal.

Sigh. Fuck.

I knew it would be bad. I knew it would be bad.

But.. I was kind of hoping they would be like we’re confused but of course we love you.

Ha. HA!

Not a chance.

My mom won’t talk to me at all on the phone. She’s been texting long essays to the effect of “Wow, thought I knew you, but I don’t” and “Well it definitely changes things, there is a major wedge between us” and “I am deeply saddened by your choice, I’m not going to act or pretend that it’s okay because I don’t.”

Sigh. Fuck. Shit.

I just want to get to the part where they accept me blah blah and my love and who I am! I am happy for me, why can’t they be? I like being a whole person and not pieces of one, I like being the same person around my Love as my friends as my family (cutting out a few expletives here and there).

My mom claims she wants a “great, close” relationship– well here it is. You know what you don’t share with your parents in a surface relationship? Anything hard. Anything controversial. Anything dissident from their beliefs. So parents with kids that don’t share that stuff are fooling themselves if they think it isn’t there.

Real life, knowing ME, knowing YOU– sometimes it isn’t pretty, and it is messy, and complicated. The thing that makes me mad is that my relationship with Lovely was ONLY wonderful EXCEPT the family thing (which made it messy and complicated). There was nothing wrong or dirty or bad or evil or hateful or sinful about who we were together. We had a great fucking relationship, and it was one of the healthiest I’ve been in until the end of it– and that was because we both were like WHY end something awesome?

I am trying not to be mad at my mom. Trying to be understanding. Trying to give her space. But I AM mad. I AM upset. Why do I have to suffer because of their prejudices, or feel like I have to apologize for who I am?

I will not fucking apologize for my sexuality– I spent too many years having too many people try and get me to be ashamed of something that is mine and FUCK THEM not theirs. Go be angsty and ashamed of your own damned body and sex life, and leave me out of it.

I mean, obviously I don’t say these things to my parents. I love them, right? But they are supposed to love me too, and loving someone means letting them be who they are without shaming them for it. ARGH how do you gently do this?

How do you give someone time and try not to be mad at them for taking too long (it’s been like 3 days man!)

Tell meeeeee!

The aftermath: coming out

27 Aug

So, I mentioned in my last post that I came out to my parents via an emailed letter to them (a version of which I posted earlier in this blog). I had been meaning to wait and tell my dad in person, and then email them both this letter. However, in light of my recent (or at least FEELING recent and raw) break-up, I broke down in the car crying with my mom.

My spirit was beat-up, and really, really exhausted. And the thing is kids– we can’t do it alone. This thing, this part of me that I’d treated as insignificant, had become a separator and it was and has destroyed things I’ve built that I valued.

See– I kept thinking: it’s not a big deal. I am brunette. I like women and men. I really like sushi. I hate Kraft mac and cheese.

Then there was the sneaking up on me, thing that happened. Where a relationship I enjoyed became a relationship I cherished. Where something that might have stung at one point instead had me retching and writhing on the floor, not eating, not drinking, from the loss of it.

It is somewhere within that space that NOT telling my family became more devastating and scarier and lonely and created more distance than telling them ever could. Not letting my mom know why I couldn’t sleep, why I cried while laying in the car sobbing and heaving and gagging from loss, why my heart was so broken– this became not doable any more.

So the silver-lining to the twisting tearing end of Lovely and I is ironically the very thing that could have kept us together. Like, forever. The pain of not sharing who she was to me became more unbearable than the pain it took to share this part of me with my family– who I know will and are struggling.

My dad has not talked to me, responded to me, or answered my calls since I told him. My mom emailed me saying that she was overwhelmed by the information, and it would take her time to process before she could talk to me. So basically, neither of my parents have contacted me since I let them know. So basically– of the four people I would have said I love most in this whole entire world– 3 of them are not speaking to me at all. My poor sister…. 🙂

And you know what? Instead of the deep sinking pit feeling, I feel the feeling you feel after running a hard race. I am tired, and I have to sit down, and sip water, and rest– but I feel empty in a way that is refreshing. Light in a way that exposes you to the way you have been carrying something heavy for a long, long time.

I am marrying all the parts of my life, and being a person who values authenticity, this fractured portrait of myself has been more exhausting than I realized to maintain. I want everything– and I don’t want the prejudice of ignorance to ever destroy my happiness or my relationships again. I let that happen, because I was scared of what I would lose.

My wisdom now whispers, you were losing everything anyways. I would have continued to grow apart from my dear ones if we hadn’t had this conversation, and I would have just lost my Love, my family, and myself. It is amazing the severity of damage silence can do.

August 25– Coming out to my parents. I pressed send! AHHHHH.

25 Aug

Finally broke down to my mom today, about the whole situation. Sat in my car crying after church (WHICH WAS AMAZING… by the way. It felt like my whole soul was being cradled in a warm bath of hope that God and people and me can maybe not be at odds).

Tried to be sneaky and use neutral phrasing, but definitely said “I love her” and talked about our “relationship.” Finally my mom, after some well-meaning friendship advice (“You should try wooing her. Let her know you still care. Send her a card”) got quiet. She said, “you didn’t seem to be this upset about leaving your other friends in *Illinois after graduate school.””It’s different mom.” I said quietly. Come on mama. Put it together. Come on, please, just understand. 

I realized how much distance was between me and my parents– duplicity folks. It hurts. So… I sent them letter. I told them everything. An hour ago… haven’t heard back yet. Immediately called my friends, each saying how brave and proud of me they are. Including my sister. 

Pressing send– I felt this release. It is over, out there. I told them what I could. Lovely pushed me to this, and I am grateful. Either way– coming out to be with her, or coming out because it hurt so very much not to be with her. Something light and airy, I could have had perfectly for years without saying anything. But my heart in shambles or my heart wrapped in love, and barely touching why either way, made me realize that I would lose my family anyway, or at least what I loved about them– if I didn’t share this.

I am so nervous, I am so nervous. But why not just pile on the madness now– it is already a storm. Might as well just get my umbrella and wait for a tornado since I’m already soaked.

2nd best

25 Aug

5:36 am. Exhausted. Beat-up.

If she ever wants me again, could I live knowing I was second best to her? That she chose someone else first? That in the point when I had feelings for two people, I chose her?

That in this point, she chooses someone else?

Maybe I deserve more. I would hope someone who loves me would choose me, at least. I hope I would be at least a little valuable to them.

4 am

25 Aug

4 am again. Thinking of lovely, crying so hard that the capillaries in my eyes have burst. Just looked in the mirror in the bathroom, and look like I have a black eye. I am so sad, and I can’t breathe. I can pretend not to be sad though, but it is a deep eating gnawing kind of pain deep in my soul and it is eating me alive.


Different kinds of love: friendship

25 Aug

In English, there is only one word for love. “Love.” This word is powerful. “I love you.” Holds all kinds of things in it. I cherish you. I protect you. I sacrifice for you. I adore you. I have hopes for you. I want to embrace you. I hold you. My heart and yours have ties, and they are strong, and I won’t let things break them.

In English, we don’t really distinguish from romantic love and friendship love. As I’ve been mulling over the situation with Lovely– from finding out she wants someone else and doesn’t have romantic love for me, to reconstructing a future without her in it as my partner– I’ve also been trying to figure out what is left then. I know all the things that make love I still have for her. I also know that what she wants is not a romantic relationship because she is working on that with someone else.

As I mentioned, I actually felt better today after talking with her because, in a way I can do that is compartmentalized- I am first and foremost someone who loves her. Even if this means I can’t have her the way I envision– even if this means, no family, no kids, no life together– I love her. 

Most of all, I love her friendship. The romance is secondary to caring for her as my friend. If romance was primary, I would say– oh well. I cannot have her as my love, so I guess I can’t have her in my life.

But I love talking to her about her day, my day. I love sharing what is going on with our families, with her thoughts, with our dreams. It is a little different, and a little eggshell walking now because I do have those romantic feelings to push away, and obviously that is hard to do. I don’t think she has romantic feelings, but she might, and she’s made clear she wants them pushed away.

That is kind of why the stupid Facebook thing threw me. I want her, she is dear to me, and once someone has become dear to me– I love them for my whole life. I can’t have kisses and hugs and cuddling and sleeping in and cuddle positions, and the warmth and safety of her body next to my body. I might not ever have these things again, although that remains entirely up to her and her heart and her relationship.

However. Because SHE is more important to me than her body, friendship and how SHE is doing, not what our bodies can do for each other is my priority. I care about her day, her feelings, her thoughts, her hopes, her pains. And this is what a friend does for you.

More than her body or the romance of us, I want to be her friend. And the conversation we had today does give me peace because it shows me that we can have that friendship. If that is all she gives me for the rest of our lives, I feel like I will have been so lucky to have been able to be a friend to someone like her.

Fun night and Facebook

25 Aug

Had such a fun night! I went out with a few people, and though we never got around to hiking, I so enjoyed their company. It is kind of an eclectic group of people– Pretty Eyes, Southern Girl, and this very gentlemanly Mexican guy (We’ll call him Nug because he is super cute). We went to REI, ate great food, went to a comedy duel, and then hung out at my place! The four of us have BIG plans to explore and conquer Colorado. We are going to have a great time. Southern Girl loves music, and we have really similar tastes in music

Came home to mess around on computer, and Lovely deleted me from Facebook. It sounds stupid, but this is just another stinging thing… I don’t know. She said she wants me in her life– we had great conversation about boundaries and friendship today– and being able to stay in touch about just life things (without me declaring my love. Which is fair.)

So, why is she trying to erase me even more 😦 ? Doesn’t she know how much that hurts my feelings? Am I not worth even being friends with?