Tag Archives: bisexual

Life is interesting.

8 Sep

SO, remember that one time two weeks ago I said I didn’t ever want to date again?

Yeah …… well ….. lies.

Clarification– I want to date, but I don’t want to date seriously. I want to date in a way that is not complicated, that is fun and doesn’t make my heart hurt, that I enjoy doing. I met this gal. 

I know, I know.

I told you I went on this date the other day. It went really well. We proceeded to then spend another 4-5 hours together on the next day, and most of yesterday as well. She is lovely.

I am excited. 

I haven’t had that fluttery excited feeling about meeting someone new since I met Lovely. I will call this gal Adventurous. Adventurous and I have a lot in common, including our perspective on relationships and life. We just met 3 days ago, but I feel like I’ve known her much longer.

I can kind of relate to Lovely’s month long relationship becoming intense fairly quickly.

I don’t want things to be intense though, just to set the temperature in this place and keep it here. Fun and light and exciting. I love that phase.

 

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After first kiss with Smiles*

2 Sep

Found this gem as I was digging up some of my writing. This is right after my kiss with Smiles* (now at this time– we were in Argentina*, I had a mad crush on a guy with a serious girlfriend, Smiles was trying to figure out if she was bi or gay or what, and I had never considered it). I also was drunk out of my mind and did not actually piece things together until later. But apparently my mind knew what I didn’t. Embarrassing and poor Smiles.

Enjoy:

Restless restless restless.

“I ached for my heart like some tin min. And when it came oh it beat and it boiled and it rang. Oh it’s ringing.”

I ache for my heart. Maybe the way to name this feeling is it is not that my mind is restless (oh wretched tendency) but it is my heart.

But it is more than that. It is not even as if I cannot sleep, and this would be the end of my problem.  If this were true, I could predict the happenings. I would lie awake, most likely for hours. I would toss, and turn, and curse the clock. My legs would intertwine with the lilac sheets, and every physical feeling would be noted objectively. I would bemoan my misfortune, and consider life paths, life loves, medical school, running away to be a writer, the to-do list that is always etched in the forefront of my mind (which is ridiculous because the frontal lobe has little to do with memory). I would then fall asleep, fitfully, just about the time the Konchos geared their engines in the morning. I would wake up, and probably not fully function the entire day. Right around 5 pm I may wake up, and a dreadful cycle would begin—(one of which I am quite familiar).

Unfortunately it is not just that I cannot sleep, although this is a consequence. I have a sizzling energy about me that hasn’t left me all day. It is a tip of the tongue feeling, something that should be addressed. Something I am forgetting, and my body is embodying this memory of something that makes me slightly uncomfortable but is exciting. I am the opposite of bored, but this is trapping me.  Like I need to decide, or have a painful conversation, or that something is about to happen and it will be devastating in either a beautiful or dreadful way—but we (audience) do not know which yet. I have the inclination that somehow that outcome is up to me, but I have no idea what I am even talking about right now. It is just a very specific feeling.

None of my normal mechanisms are available to me.  I cannot run. I cannot even walk here as far as I could and come back for hours in whichever direction I want. (I know I harp on the lacking of Idaho*—but the safety is priceless). I cannot take a hot shower. I cannot paint.  I cannot sing.

But I can write, and so here we are.

It is nervousness and anticipation and the pit of my stomach telling me I am afraid of something, but the way every cell in my body is buzzing—I cannot tell if I should actually be afraid; or merely embrace whatever is about to happen. I don’t think this is premonition exactly, but I simply feel like I am missing something big.

If I could wrap my feelings into a few other emotions, it would be a combination of the following:

1)   Facing something when I am not sure of the other person’s reaction, and that reaction matters to me.

2)   Trying to recall a word that is the perfect one to be able to describe a situation, but not being able to.

3)   A first date.

4)   A large decision that will affect my or others’ lives.

5)   Anticipation.

6)   When I know something is coming (ie a tornado).

7)   After a resolution to do something difficult, but you know you must in order to be at peace.

8)   How I felt after that walk with Alex* (aside—boy with girlfriend).

Sidebar: I am not sure if it is even wise to get into that, at this point. I am not sure if this has to do with him, but I somehow don’t think so. Mostly because no matter how difficult and annoying those feelings are, Alex does not make me feel on edge or anxious or buzzing or ‘sparkly’—Alex makes me feel like me. He is like a cup of ‘no-pun-intended’ (dear Lord my dear, are you really making jokes to yourself during your crazy maniacal quest to discover whatever the hell is wrong with you?)

But really. despite the conflicting emotions and desire to stay away from any bindings I may have to someone who quite obviously cannot be mine, Alex makes me relaxed, comfortable, like a higher-definition of myself. I feel like I understand him, he I. There is no buzzing or anxiety there, only comfort. Although I could understand your original suspicions that it could be this—I really don’t think it is. Even with the e-mail situation, everything is definitely calculated. It is not as if I am surprised that I relate in such a real manner to him. I am not twitter-pated, I have no butterflies, I am not surprised. It just objectively is what it is—but that doesn’t make it easier that I objectively like him and his character. I feel like the reason whatever this feeling is, is similar to the walk after Alex was that then I was toying with the idea of telling him how I felt. However, I have not even considered that as a possibility since then, which is why I am reticent to say this today has anything to do with Alex.

Maybe this is discovery enough for now, I am hoping this feeling will be gone in the morning.

Flashback- my first female love

30 Aug

I talked to the first girl I loved, curly hair, or “Smiles” last night.

Back in the day, I fell so hard for her. I think I kind of explained what happened, but maybe not. She was coming off of being in a relationship with a guy— and started having feelings for his female roommate. 

Draaaaammmmma.

I had feelings for women before that, but kind of brushed it off. But Smiles just swept me away. I was infatuated by her, and we were infatuated with each other. I remember one night we spent all night just talking with one another, was the wind came in the window and we could hear the sounds of music in the streets of Argentina*, and we were so enthralled/intrigued and thirsty for the other person.

We had a thing. Doesn’t that sound weird? We had a thing for and with one another, and spent the summer doing “photo shoots” of us kissing to just “make *Tara jealous.” I still have those photos on my computer– a few beers, me with a backwards baseball cap and a striped shirt putting my hand on her thigh, her waist, her side. Kissing her against a car. Laughing so hard we were drunk off of each other’s happiness.

This all culminated in an evening where Smiles was in the middle, and she was sitting next to a guy. We made out in the back of a cab, and I was intoxicated with her lips, her teeth, the softness of her body. That kiss— those kisses— are among the most intense in my life. Smiles and I were never “officially a thing” on facebook or to our families (or for me at that point, it took a few months to even tell my friends)– and in fact, after that magical summer, I freaked the fuck out. I pretended like it didn’t happen. I came back to grad school, and developed a friendship with her. We never called it what it was– taking each other on dates, letting hands linger on the body for too long, pressing against each other and inhaling the scent of each other’s wrists and limbs and finally silently being with each other. But if I close my eyes, I can remember skinny dipping in the ocean– the way it went on for miles and we went on for miles, and we were so present which is so rare for me sometimes. 

It wasn’t until I was about to leave that I told her. It was dramatic. “I like coffee, and car rides, and you…” Oh, I fell so hard, but by the time I gathered up the courage to tell her that the summer we were together was more than just a summer fling, we were both leaving for other things. She had dinner with my family at graduation because hers didn’t come, and everyone LOVED her. She is so laid back, and sometimes so flakey, but when you are with her it is like the sun on your skin. She makes you glow, and feel warm, and when I am with Smiles I love my life, every second of it.

She called me last night, at 1:00 am. Sober. I was asleep, but answered, and we talked for about 2 hours. My sleeping patterns are horrendous.

Now, I closed the door on Smiles last year a little before this time (it seems so long and so short ago, hugh?) I wanted to be with Lovely and give us a shot. Smiles and I had some fundamental things that would have been hard to work out– namely the flakiness and extreme sexual/drug risks Smiles was okay with and I would have a hard time with. She’d cheated before, she was semi self-destructive, she has bipolar 2. She drank hard. These things meant sometimes she was unreliable, which in a long-distance partner would just breed jealousy.

But I did take time away from her until I stopped being in love with her, and until she stopped being in love with me. I think you can definitely love people without it working out.

However, she would call sometimes and I noticed it was when she was having romantic troubles, which I didn’t like. I didn’t want to be a fall-back. She was upset when I decided not to visit her back in August/September, and then upset again when I WANTED to visit last March. She is pretty good with meds now.

But we talked for two hours. Things that last year in April/May would have made my heart ache, like her telling me that I was the best kisser she’s ever had, and that our connection was firey and thirsty— just make me giggle and smile and say “yeah. yeah, it should be like that.”

She is dating new girl that is an AWFUL kisser haha, and she mentioned the two nights that I most remember us being intimate in Argentina*. Ego boooooost. But for real– it does give me hope with Lovely because even after talking at 1 in the morning for 2 hours with Smiles… I hung up the phone, smiled to myself, was happy I had a dear friend to relate to, and fell back to sleep.

That does not happen with any kind of heartache for me. I feel only love for Smiles, but not a smidgen of heartache for her. I told her about Lovely, and she said cryptically using her pet name for me, “You know, the universe brings you back together if you should be, you know? Just remember that. That’s what I think when I think of you.”

And I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me, and we meant it and knew we would always be in each others lives. As dear ones, not lovers, and that was okay with both of us I think.

I don’t know if it can ever be that way with Lovely. “What about Smiles? You got over her?”

It is different, a different way and kind of love you build with different people. And a different level of intimacy– Lovely and I were so, so intimate in ways that shock me. Smiles and I were intimate in different ways. 

Smiles, though. I miss her, too. I just want to hug her and talk and talk and talk– it has been over a year since we’ve seen each other in person. I just remember her yelling on a rooftop “Cot!” which is the spanish nickname for me, and running and jumping in my arms after we’d been apart for a month. I was so happy, and delighted, and clearly so was she. I so look forward to seeing her again– we’ve talked about me visiting soon, and I am excited to see my friend.

 

Coming Out- Part II of Aftermath

29 Aug

I know I did a drastic thing.

I knew this, and feared it, and prepped myself for it many times over.

The devastation of Lovely essentially wanting to erase me overwhelmed me and everything else stopped mattering (has stopped mattering). My life, my health, just everything seems so insignificant next to it. So much so that coming out to my family was like draining a wound– it had to be done to heal.

Sigh. Fuck.

I knew it would be bad. I knew it would be bad.

But.. I was kind of hoping they would be like we’re confused but of course we love you.

Ha. HA!

Not a chance.

My mom won’t talk to me at all on the phone. She’s been texting long essays to the effect of “Wow, thought I knew you, but I don’t” and “Well it definitely changes things, there is a major wedge between us” and “I am deeply saddened by your choice, I’m not going to act or pretend that it’s okay because I don’t.”

Sigh. Fuck. Shit.

I just want to get to the part where they accept me blah blah and my love and who I am! I am happy for me, why can’t they be? I like being a whole person and not pieces of one, I like being the same person around my Love as my friends as my family (cutting out a few expletives here and there).

My mom claims she wants a “great, close” relationship– well here it is. You know what you don’t share with your parents in a surface relationship? Anything hard. Anything controversial. Anything dissident from their beliefs. So parents with kids that don’t share that stuff are fooling themselves if they think it isn’t there.

Real life, knowing ME, knowing YOU– sometimes it isn’t pretty, and it is messy, and complicated. The thing that makes me mad is that my relationship with Lovely was ONLY wonderful EXCEPT the family thing (which made it messy and complicated). There was nothing wrong or dirty or bad or evil or hateful or sinful about who we were together. We had a great fucking relationship, and it was one of the healthiest I’ve been in until the end of it– and that was because we both were like WHY end something awesome?

I am trying not to be mad at my mom. Trying to be understanding. Trying to give her space. But I AM mad. I AM upset. Why do I have to suffer because of their prejudices, or feel like I have to apologize for who I am?

I will not fucking apologize for my sexuality– I spent too many years having too many people try and get me to be ashamed of something that is mine and FUCK THEM not theirs. Go be angsty and ashamed of your own damned body and sex life, and leave me out of it.

I mean, obviously I don’t say these things to my parents. I love them, right? But they are supposed to love me too, and loving someone means letting them be who they are without shaming them for it. ARGH how do you gently do this?

How do you give someone time and try not to be mad at them for taking too long (it’s been like 3 days man!)

Tell meeeeee!

Puppy update and “dating”

24 Aug

Puppy is still not doing well. I am worried, and not sure quite what to do 😦 Do I admit her for a week? Do I keep watching her? She seems peppier but is having accidents and the vet said that could be kidney damage. I love the puppy.

I debated telling Lovely, and after a few days of throwing up and shaking and moaning by puppy, decided to call Lovely. She didn’t care.

Maybe this is an eye opener for me– if it was any one of my friends, much less someone I said I loved at one point, I would definitely at least be there for them with hard times. I feel like with the whole shooter situation and puppy getting poisoned– her not caring about those things cements that whatever we had or thought we had might not be real anyways. Even when I thought we should take time a part, I would have flown there in a second if one of those things happened to her. Dude, at this point I could be hit by a bus or struck by cancer, and pretty sure Lovely wouldn’t blink.

I guess love has to be returned, eh? It shakes me up too with the whole thinking of ways to propose and thinking of ways to integrate my family with my life and ours together. It kind of scares me because I really thought we had the real deal– but if someone doesn’t want to be there for you when it is tough, I guess that isn’t love. Or even friendship, really. It makes me second guess all the feelings she said she had if she can be so apathetic towards things she said she cared about. My puppy is like my baby, and puppy is still struggling. I would be so devastated– I can’t even think about putting her to sleep. I raised her (well– Lovely did too. Part of my surprise– but I guess that is that.)

I did go on a date with Blonde girl last night. We went to dinner, a jazz band, and went for a walk across the bridge. It was nice. But you know how if you have a thing for someone, you want to spend alllll the moments with them? Blonde girl is super pretty, and probably smartish. She is definitely a California girl– all blonde hair (duh), blue eyes, and legs. But– I don’t know. Maybe I’m pushing myself to go out too soon– but I’m just not that enthralled, you know? More like– hmmm. We’ll see. But not– oh! Wow! You and me– connect instantly! She wanted to spend the night and watch movies, but I said no. Part of me was tempted– she *is* a great distraction, pretty funny, super flirty. I like having someone in my bed. I like the intimacy of being held and holding, and protecting one another from the world with our bodies. But I like that– with Lovely. Anything else would feel like a replacement– once again, not bad! Good, even!

But then in the quiet alone, I WOULD KNOW I don’t want that with anyone else and anything else would only be good in the moment I think.

Even just having Blonde girl spend the night with me without anything going down would have felt forced and kind of surreal, and that isn’t fair to Blonde girl or me. So I hugged her goodnight, turned away from her kiss, and went home alone.

Proposals, Lovely, Blonde Girl, and Coming out letter

19 Aug

Oh autostraddle, you warm my heart!! http://www.autostraddle.com/this-is-a-love-letter-with-an-ending-just-for-you-178526/

You know, I’m still not sure what will happen with Lovely. I don’t know if she is back from *NYC, if she even really wants to have future conversation, or if it is better to go back to thinking future conversation is not on the table. Mmm. I ruminate. I try and reign in my heart and be objective. I try and prepare myself in case she doesn’t want to see me again.

Blonde Girl came over last night, and we shared a meal. She was nervous. It was weird because I wasn’t nervous at all– but I could tell she was. She wanted to stay longer, but I had to work and was tired and didn’t want her to. She wants me to go to a strip club with her– and I was kind of taken aback. I feel like that is not a thing that you invite someone to do. I have always wanted to go to a burlesque show– but that feels intimate.

I drafted a letter to my parents that I am going to send them after I tell my dad:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time. When I went to Argentina*, Curly Hair* and I just had an amazing connection. We found ourselves drawn to each other’s humor, passion, intelligence, and kindness. I fell in love with her. When I moved to South Dakota*, I met Lovely. I had never connected with anyone like I did her, and I fell in love with her. We dated for a long time, and I gave her up because I didn’t know if I could have both her and you.

I am attracted to both men and women.

It is terrifying to tell you this—but I want you to know how much I love you, and how much I want you to know who I really am, and how much I want to live authentically. I feel complete peace about it—it really is a non-issue for me, and my spirit is calm. You not knowing and wanting to tell you has been really difficult, but I didn’t want to cause you confusion or disappointment or fear. I honestly still have no idea how you will react, but I know it is a big piece of information. I wanted to see if this was specific to Curly Hair or specific to Lovely, but it is something that is a part of me and I want you to know all of me. I’m actually not really any different at all—I’m just me!

I love you so much, and I understand if you have questions or need time to process. I know it is scary and overwhelming and concerning and different and difficult and devastating a bit. But I am happy, I have vision, I feel good with God, I feel good with myself. I don’t know what it means for my future, I am just taking one day at a time. Know that for me to tell you this at all only displays how very highly I think of you and how very, very much I love you.

Smalltasks

Coming out and Diary-ness

18 Aug

Dear Diary:

BAH psych. I know this isn’t a diary, but this week it has become one. I decided not to go tubing with Pretty Eyes because I don’t want to give her the wrong impression– it feels more like dates and even though you can SAY one thing, it can SEEM like another.

I want to talk a little bit about cutting out communication. With Lovely, really my whole reason was that even though I said she should date other people, it was ripping my heart in shreds to say that. I couldn’t watch. 

I’m working on finding things to distract me. Probably will change my hair. Been working out like a maniac. Haven’t been able to eat still– which with the whole losing weight thing I guess isn’t bad, but this seems different. Instead of eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, I just kind of look at the food and hate it. I don’t want it. It is boring to me. Do you sense a theme? NO ME GUSTA boring 🙂

Also– on coming out to my family. My dad is coming with my sister at the end of September to visit me. I am thinking of coming out to him then– on the day he leaves haha. I really don’t want to do it around the holidays, and I’m hoping that life will settle down for them a bit and they’ll have a chance to process. After I come out to him, I think I’ll call my mom or write her a letter. My dad is awful at keeping secrets, so I think this will force me to quickly tell my mom too.

It makes me nervous kids! Lol nervous nervous nervous! But I’m starting to feel a peace about it too, it will be SO relieving to just have them know. In my head, I have always thought the worst case scenario was losing them. But this has shifted to the worst case scenario being one of duplicity and an inauthentic life– and realizing that I do deserve to live authentically and not be fearful of what that means.

Still nervous though.