Tag Archives: communication

Coming out and Diary-ness

18 Aug

Dear Diary:

BAH psych. I know this isn’t a diary, but this week it has become one. I decided not to go tubing with Pretty Eyes because I don’t want to give her the wrong impression– it feels more like dates and even though you can SAY one thing, it can SEEM like another.

I want to talk a little bit about cutting out communication. With Lovely, really my whole reason was that even though I said she should date other people, it was ripping my heart in shreds to say that. I couldn’t watch. 

I’m working on finding things to distract me. Probably will change my hair. Been working out like a maniac. Haven’t been able to eat still– which with the whole losing weight thing I guess isn’t bad, but this seems different. Instead of eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, I just kind of look at the food and hate it. I don’t want it. It is boring to me. Do you sense a theme? NO ME GUSTA boring 🙂

Also– on coming out to my family. My dad is coming with my sister at the end of September to visit me. I am thinking of coming out to him then– on the day he leaves haha. I really don’t want to do it around the holidays, and I’m hoping that life will settle down for them a bit and they’ll have a chance to process. After I come out to him, I think I’ll call my mom or write her a letter. My dad is awful at keeping secrets, so I think this will force me to quickly tell my mom too.

It makes me nervous kids! Lol nervous nervous nervous! But I’m starting to feel a peace about it too, it will be SO relieving to just have them know. In my head, I have always thought the worst case scenario was losing them. But this has shifted to the worst case scenario being one of duplicity and an inauthentic life– and realizing that I do deserve to live authentically and not be fearful of what that means.

Still nervous though.

 

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