Tag Archives: dating

My what a difference a few weeks can make

25 Sep

It’s been awhile– but remember that date I went on? With adventurous girl?

Yeah…. I like her. A lot. and she likes me. and wants us to be exclusive.

And we hike and kiss and hold hands and she is a bit introverted and a bit guarded but brilliant and funny and sarcastic and likes theater and likes medicine and I LIKE HER MUCHO and it is freaking both of us out because… it’s been what… 2.5- 3 weeks? I don’t know about this “exclusive” thing. But I know I’m not seeing anyone else right now. I didn’t mean for this to be a serious relationship or seem serious at all– but I think I’m actually maybe more into her than she is to me! But I don’t know man. Is that too soon?

Mmmm.

Mmmm.

What’s the plan? I have no idea. But I do know that I am intrigued by her, and she is tough tough so tough… until there is this glimmer of vulnerability, this laugh, this surprise that she is laughing. And it is adorable and I crave it, and she is a good kisser, and I am not sure what to do with her.

Life is interesting.

8 Sep

SO, remember that one time two weeks ago I said I didn’t ever want to date again?

Yeah …… well ….. lies.

Clarification– I want to date, but I don’t want to date seriously. I want to date in a way that is not complicated, that is fun and doesn’t make my heart hurt, that I enjoy doing. I met this gal. 

I know, I know.

I told you I went on this date the other day. It went really well. We proceeded to then spend another 4-5 hours together on the next day, and most of yesterday as well. She is lovely.

I am excited. 

I haven’t had that fluttery excited feeling about meeting someone new since I met Lovely. I will call this gal Adventurous. Adventurous and I have a lot in common, including our perspective on relationships and life. We just met 3 days ago, but I feel like I’ve known her much longer.

I can kind of relate to Lovely’s month long relationship becoming intense fairly quickly.

I don’t want things to be intense though, just to set the temperature in this place and keep it here. Fun and light and exciting. I love that phase.

 

Dates and Dreams

6 Sep

I keep dreaming about Lovely.

I wake up sad, like someone I loved has died.

Yesterday in my dream I asked if I could hold her hand, and she said yes. We walked along a path with flowers on the sides, holding hands. We were walking down a hill, and there was a bum playing the acoustic guitar and we both agreed it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I told her I’m sorry I broke her heart, I’m sorry it took so long. She said she knew, and she was sorry she made a wall around her heart. I told her about the date I went on, and she said she was happy in her new relationship. I nodded, and told her I was excited about the date I was on. At the end of the path we embraced, and then started kissing, and she whispered “I hope I’ll be back” and I said “Me too.” And then we kissed again and I woke up crying because I let go of her hand.

During my days I’ve been keeping myself so busy. I’m more upset that Lovely cut me out of Facebook and her life than I am that she is dating someone else. She promised me she wanted a friendship– was that a lie? I am confused and really hurt by her doing that, as stupid as it sounds. But I mean if someone doesn’t want me in their life, I am not going to force them to have me in it! But it is also strange for someone to just try and erase me 😦 I would have liked to *talk* to her, to just be friends, to share stuff– but she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. Like I said– I guess if someone thinks I am that awful of a human being, I wouldn’t want them to have to put up with the likes of me, eh?

Yesterday, I went on a date. My choice is to either curl up in my bed and rock back and forth (which I did for like 2 weeks) and cry OR distract myself.

And pretty people are good distractions.

At first I was nervous to meet this one gal, she was so formal on the phone. BUT SHE WAS AWESOME.

I set my alarm in case it went badly, and it was fantastic. She was a stage manager for a show on broadway (sooo I don’t want to give too much info because of identifying information). She was in a *very* long term relationship, and now she wants to be a flight rescue gal in the mountains by day, and open her own theater production company by night. So cool! And she has the cutest laugh (I sense a theme of intelligence and humor and happiness and confidence in the people I’m attracted to). And she was super smart. And funny. And really good at humor and jokes and likes beer and doesn’t like partying too much, and is wise.

It was strange to be honest. We met at 6:15 and didn’t leave until they closed the patio at 11. And it was nice. And I felt something, this giggly butterfly happy feeling that I haven’t felt for awhile.

Life is strange. Okay self I make you shut down and be distracted,  if that is what I have to do to live, I guess that’s what I’ll do.

Puppy update and “dating”

24 Aug

Puppy is still not doing well. I am worried, and not sure quite what to do 😦 Do I admit her for a week? Do I keep watching her? She seems peppier but is having accidents and the vet said that could be kidney damage. I love the puppy.

I debated telling Lovely, and after a few days of throwing up and shaking and moaning by puppy, decided to call Lovely. She didn’t care.

Maybe this is an eye opener for me– if it was any one of my friends, much less someone I said I loved at one point, I would definitely at least be there for them with hard times. I feel like with the whole shooter situation and puppy getting poisoned– her not caring about those things cements that whatever we had or thought we had might not be real anyways. Even when I thought we should take time a part, I would have flown there in a second if one of those things happened to her. Dude, at this point I could be hit by a bus or struck by cancer, and pretty sure Lovely wouldn’t blink.

I guess love has to be returned, eh? It shakes me up too with the whole thinking of ways to propose and thinking of ways to integrate my family with my life and ours together. It kind of scares me because I really thought we had the real deal– but if someone doesn’t want to be there for you when it is tough, I guess that isn’t love. Or even friendship, really. It makes me second guess all the feelings she said she had if she can be so apathetic towards things she said she cared about. My puppy is like my baby, and puppy is still struggling. I would be so devastated– I can’t even think about putting her to sleep. I raised her (well– Lovely did too. Part of my surprise– but I guess that is that.)

I did go on a date with Blonde girl last night. We went to dinner, a jazz band, and went for a walk across the bridge. It was nice. But you know how if you have a thing for someone, you want to spend alllll the moments with them? Blonde girl is super pretty, and probably smartish. She is definitely a California girl– all blonde hair (duh), blue eyes, and legs. But– I don’t know. Maybe I’m pushing myself to go out too soon– but I’m just not that enthralled, you know? More like– hmmm. We’ll see. But not– oh! Wow! You and me– connect instantly! She wanted to spend the night and watch movies, but I said no. Part of me was tempted– she *is* a great distraction, pretty funny, super flirty. I like having someone in my bed. I like the intimacy of being held and holding, and protecting one another from the world with our bodies. But I like that– with Lovely. Anything else would feel like a replacement– once again, not bad! Good, even!

But then in the quiet alone, I WOULD KNOW I don’t want that with anyone else and anything else would only be good in the moment I think.

Even just having Blonde girl spend the night with me without anything going down would have felt forced and kind of surreal, and that isn’t fair to Blonde girl or me. So I hugged her goodnight, turned away from her kiss, and went home alone.

Coming out and Diary-ness

18 Aug

Dear Diary:

BAH psych. I know this isn’t a diary, but this week it has become one. I decided not to go tubing with Pretty Eyes because I don’t want to give her the wrong impression– it feels more like dates and even though you can SAY one thing, it can SEEM like another.

I want to talk a little bit about cutting out communication. With Lovely, really my whole reason was that even though I said she should date other people, it was ripping my heart in shreds to say that. I couldn’t watch. 

I’m working on finding things to distract me. Probably will change my hair. Been working out like a maniac. Haven’t been able to eat still– which with the whole losing weight thing I guess isn’t bad, but this seems different. Instead of eating lots of fresh fruits and vegetables, I just kind of look at the food and hate it. I don’t want it. It is boring to me. Do you sense a theme? NO ME GUSTA boring 🙂

Also– on coming out to my family. My dad is coming with my sister at the end of September to visit me. I am thinking of coming out to him then– on the day he leaves haha. I really don’t want to do it around the holidays, and I’m hoping that life will settle down for them a bit and they’ll have a chance to process. After I come out to him, I think I’ll call my mom or write her a letter. My dad is awful at keeping secrets, so I think this will force me to quickly tell my mom too.

It makes me nervous kids! Lol nervous nervous nervous! But I’m starting to feel a peace about it too, it will be SO relieving to just have them know. In my head, I have always thought the worst case scenario was losing them. But this has shifted to the worst case scenario being one of duplicity and an inauthentic life– and realizing that I do deserve to live authentically and not be fearful of what that means.

Still nervous though.

 

Tired but working on being a social entity

10 Aug

Two people asked me out today. One to an art gallery (oooo fancy) and one to the dog park.

I told you, I don’t want to date anyoneeeee ever again. Nope, nope.

I want friends, well, sort of. I want my own friends who are mine and know me and I them and that is what I would like. I talked to my friend *Kayla yesterday for like 2 hours, and it was wonderful and refreshing, and my friend *Sheila (really? Sheila? no one is named Sheila except 40 year old secretaries but meh bear with me). I don’t want new friends, and I don’t want a new lover, I want my people– but alas they are strewn about the country and world, and I am realizing it is very unlikely we will all be together again.

I get oddly melancholy about this fact because I love them and it is hard sometimes starting over, and it sucks, and I love love love Denver already but I love the people I already have more.

Enough, loving Denver:

I made myself get up and take my super cute dog to the farmer’s market. It is weird seeing so many “young” people who aren’t in college– young being, 20’s and 30’s. I put on my friendly face and like 10 people wanted to know my dog’s name. My name? No. But it’s a start. It was gorgeous, and like the people are intensely gorgeous. They’re running with their little outfits and gear and biking oh my. I, on the other hand, am wearing pearls, a blue dress, and my Birkenstocks. Lottling about. Slowly, and looking at stuff. I crossed the bridge out of lohi, and walked along the river. I got coffee, and the first kid to ask me out asked me where my boyfriend was and why I looked so pretty. Weird. I’m not pretty. Not in a like ohhhh compliment me way, but I’m kind of nasty with chapped lips and my hair is still short. Cute maybe, but it was still nice. He asked what I liked doing, blah blah art gallery. I said thanks and I would think about it, but we both knew it meant no sorry I am still recovering from love and you’re cute but not as cute as the barista with curly hair.

Then decided to go to a meetup, and met a couple who was awesome YEY FRIENDS and actually talked with them for a really long time. They are cool, and the gal invited me to do like intense bootcamp workout with her– and I kinda looked at her weird and so aight. Soooo. Bootcamp it is. First official Denver people I liked.

Then I lingered outside, and aggressive tattoo girl sat down and chatted with me for awhile and was intense about exchanging information. Also not going to happen but it was nice to get out and about.

As a side note, I am on accutane which can have mood effects, suicidal thoughts, blah. I’ve struggled with this in the past– not in like a blah I hate the world kind of way but more like in an “existing right now seems a lot more difficult than just… not existing would be.” It is hard to explain. Yesterday was hard for me, and I may have googled how much of the meds (sleeping pills) do you have to take for it to kill you? And then I though that my apartment was too messy to kill myself, so I signed up for kayaking lessons instead. I mean that sounds dramatic, but like I said– not depressed or like ugh I hate life, or like blood and dark things. More like not existing holds a certain curiosity/peace and I get exhausted thinking about having to live for another 50 years sometimes. I’ll probably talk to my doctor about it, but I don’t really want to talk to my friends/family about it because it sounds concerning or something.

I am never dating or breaking up with anyone ever again because it sucks

10 Aug

This blog is becoming depressing.

Whatever, it’s mine, so if you don’t like it– I’m sure there is a much better one out there about like rainbows and puppies and butterflies.

My ex-girlfriend called me today, and we talked for two hours, and I miss her again.

(You. I miss you again.)

And we hung up, and I cried a lot, like the big heaving cry– because I am so fucking selfish. My dog whined and licked my neck and rolled herself onto my shoulder which made me cry more. Now my eyes are red, and people probably think I smoke pot which is why the creeper talked to me when I went and smoked a cigarette from the pack I haven’t smoked for 7 months. That’s when it’s bad folks.

I am so different then I was even a year ago. What is important to me, what I need, what kind of life I want to make. It sucks when something is so so so close, when you can’t put a finger on why it can’t be any more but you know it can’t be– when you want to just pull someone up close and forget the shit going on, and just be together in the moment. THAT is what I want. But there comes a point where you can’t ignore the future thing, and THAT is what I cannot predict, and then it becomes unfair to ask someone to journey with you because you don’t know exactly where the hell that journey is going– and is that okay with you? and at first the answer is yes, then it is uncertain, and then it is no. I want to know. I love you, and can we be together, and will this be forever?

I don’t know if that is something I’ll ever be able to even say for sure. And then you say, I don’t know, and maybe not but now is good, yes? And then– no, probably, but now? Now is so, so good my love, isn’t it?

And then. Now is not good enough, and you realize you’re killing each-other thinking about losing what you have so you decide to make it go away before it is ripped from you, because it is easier that way, right?

No, don’t love me. Don’t do it. Don’t do it, it will hurt. Leave me, my love, leave me, leave me, leave me. Please don’t love me.

I don’t deserve to be hurt then, when I wake up one day, and know you’ve chosen not to love me anymore. How many times have I told you not to love me?