Tag Archives: Ex-girlfriend

Dates and Dreams

6 Sep

I keep dreaming about Lovely.

I wake up sad, like someone I loved has died.

Yesterday in my dream I asked if I could hold her hand, and she said yes. We walked along a path with flowers on the sides, holding hands. We were walking down a hill, and there was a bum playing the acoustic guitar and we both agreed it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I told her I’m sorry I broke her heart, I’m sorry it took so long. She said she knew, and she was sorry she made a wall around her heart. I told her about the date I went on, and she said she was happy in her new relationship. I nodded, and told her I was excited about the date I was on. At the end of the path we embraced, and then started kissing, and she whispered “I hope I’ll be back” and I said “Me too.” And then we kissed again and I woke up crying because I let go of her hand.

During my days I’ve been keeping myself so busy. I’m more upset that Lovely cut me out of Facebook and her life than I am that she is dating someone else. She promised me she wanted a friendship– was that a lie? I am confused and really hurt by her doing that, as stupid as it sounds. But I mean if someone doesn’t want me in their life, I am not going to force them to have me in it! But it is also strange for someone to just try and erase me 😦 I would have liked to *talk* to her, to just be friends, to share stuff– but she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. Like I said– I guess if someone thinks I am that awful of a human being, I wouldn’t want them to have to put up with the likes of me, eh?

Yesterday, I went on a date. My choice is to either curl up in my bed and rock back and forth (which I did for like 2 weeks) and cry OR distract myself.

And pretty people are good distractions.

At first I was nervous to meet this one gal, she was so formal on the phone. BUT SHE WAS AWESOME.

I set my alarm in case it went badly, and it was fantastic. She was a stage manager for a show on broadway (sooo I don’t want to give too much info because of identifying information). She was in a *very* long term relationship, and now she wants to be a flight rescue gal in the mountains by day, and open her own theater production company by night. So cool! And she has the cutest laugh (I sense a theme of intelligence and humor and happiness and confidence in the people I’m attracted to). And she was super smart. And funny. And really good at humor and jokes and likes beer and doesn’t like partying too much, and is wise.

It was strange to be honest. We met at 6:15 and didn’t leave until they closed the patio at 11. And it was nice. And I felt something, this giggly butterfly happy feeling that I haven’t felt for awhile.

Life is strange. Okay self I make you shut down and be distracted,  if that is what I have to do to live, I guess that’s what I’ll do.

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Flashback- my first female love

30 Aug

I talked to the first girl I loved, curly hair, or “Smiles” last night.

Back in the day, I fell so hard for her. I think I kind of explained what happened, but maybe not. She was coming off of being in a relationship with a guy— and started having feelings for his female roommate. 

Draaaaammmmma.

I had feelings for women before that, but kind of brushed it off. But Smiles just swept me away. I was infatuated by her, and we were infatuated with each other. I remember one night we spent all night just talking with one another, was the wind came in the window and we could hear the sounds of music in the streets of Argentina*, and we were so enthralled/intrigued and thirsty for the other person.

We had a thing. Doesn’t that sound weird? We had a thing for and with one another, and spent the summer doing “photo shoots” of us kissing to just “make *Tara jealous.” I still have those photos on my computer– a few beers, me with a backwards baseball cap and a striped shirt putting my hand on her thigh, her waist, her side. Kissing her against a car. Laughing so hard we were drunk off of each other’s happiness.

This all culminated in an evening where Smiles was in the middle, and she was sitting next to a guy. We made out in the back of a cab, and I was intoxicated with her lips, her teeth, the softness of her body. That kiss— those kisses— are among the most intense in my life. Smiles and I were never “officially a thing” on facebook or to our families (or for me at that point, it took a few months to even tell my friends)– and in fact, after that magical summer, I freaked the fuck out. I pretended like it didn’t happen. I came back to grad school, and developed a friendship with her. We never called it what it was– taking each other on dates, letting hands linger on the body for too long, pressing against each other and inhaling the scent of each other’s wrists and limbs and finally silently being with each other. But if I close my eyes, I can remember skinny dipping in the ocean– the way it went on for miles and we went on for miles, and we were so present which is so rare for me sometimes. 

It wasn’t until I was about to leave that I told her. It was dramatic. “I like coffee, and car rides, and you…” Oh, I fell so hard, but by the time I gathered up the courage to tell her that the summer we were together was more than just a summer fling, we were both leaving for other things. She had dinner with my family at graduation because hers didn’t come, and everyone LOVED her. She is so laid back, and sometimes so flakey, but when you are with her it is like the sun on your skin. She makes you glow, and feel warm, and when I am with Smiles I love my life, every second of it.

She called me last night, at 1:00 am. Sober. I was asleep, but answered, and we talked for about 2 hours. My sleeping patterns are horrendous.

Now, I closed the door on Smiles last year a little before this time (it seems so long and so short ago, hugh?) I wanted to be with Lovely and give us a shot. Smiles and I had some fundamental things that would have been hard to work out– namely the flakiness and extreme sexual/drug risks Smiles was okay with and I would have a hard time with. She’d cheated before, she was semi self-destructive, she has bipolar 2. She drank hard. These things meant sometimes she was unreliable, which in a long-distance partner would just breed jealousy.

But I did take time away from her until I stopped being in love with her, and until she stopped being in love with me. I think you can definitely love people without it working out.

However, she would call sometimes and I noticed it was when she was having romantic troubles, which I didn’t like. I didn’t want to be a fall-back. She was upset when I decided not to visit her back in August/September, and then upset again when I WANTED to visit last March. She is pretty good with meds now.

But we talked for two hours. Things that last year in April/May would have made my heart ache, like her telling me that I was the best kisser she’s ever had, and that our connection was firey and thirsty— just make me giggle and smile and say “yeah. yeah, it should be like that.”

She is dating new girl that is an AWFUL kisser haha, and she mentioned the two nights that I most remember us being intimate in Argentina*. Ego boooooost. But for real– it does give me hope with Lovely because even after talking at 1 in the morning for 2 hours with Smiles… I hung up the phone, smiled to myself, was happy I had a dear friend to relate to, and fell back to sleep.

That does not happen with any kind of heartache for me. I feel only love for Smiles, but not a smidgen of heartache for her. I told her about Lovely, and she said cryptically using her pet name for me, “You know, the universe brings you back together if you should be, you know? Just remember that. That’s what I think when I think of you.”

And I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me, and we meant it and knew we would always be in each others lives. As dear ones, not lovers, and that was okay with both of us I think.

I don’t know if it can ever be that way with Lovely. “What about Smiles? You got over her?”

It is different, a different way and kind of love you build with different people. And a different level of intimacy– Lovely and I were so, so intimate in ways that shock me. Smiles and I were intimate in different ways. 

Smiles, though. I miss her, too. I just want to hug her and talk and talk and talk– it has been over a year since we’ve seen each other in person. I just remember her yelling on a rooftop “Cot!” which is the spanish nickname for me, and running and jumping in my arms after we’d been apart for a month. I was so happy, and delighted, and clearly so was she. I so look forward to seeing her again– we’ve talked about me visiting soon, and I am excited to see my friend.

 

August 25– Coming out to my parents. I pressed send! AHHHHH.

25 Aug

Finally broke down to my mom today, about the whole situation. Sat in my car crying after church (WHICH WAS AMAZING… by the way. It felt like my whole soul was being cradled in a warm bath of hope that God and people and me can maybe not be at odds).

Tried to be sneaky and use neutral phrasing, but definitely said “I love her” and talked about our “relationship.” Finally my mom, after some well-meaning friendship advice (“You should try wooing her. Let her know you still care. Send her a card”) got quiet. She said, “you didn’t seem to be this upset about leaving your other friends in *Illinois after graduate school.””It’s different mom.” I said quietly. Come on mama. Put it together. Come on, please, just understand. 

I realized how much distance was between me and my parents– duplicity folks. It hurts. So… I sent them letter. I told them everything. An hour ago… haven’t heard back yet. Immediately called my friends, each saying how brave and proud of me they are. Including my sister. 

Pressing send– I felt this release. It is over, out there. I told them what I could. Lovely pushed me to this, and I am grateful. Either way– coming out to be with her, or coming out because it hurt so very much not to be with her. Something light and airy, I could have had perfectly for years without saying anything. But my heart in shambles or my heart wrapped in love, and barely touching why either way, made me realize that I would lose my family anyway, or at least what I loved about them– if I didn’t share this.

I am so nervous, I am so nervous. But why not just pile on the madness now– it is already a storm. Might as well just get my umbrella and wait for a tornado since I’m already soaked.

Puppy update and “dating”

24 Aug

Puppy is still not doing well. I am worried, and not sure quite what to do 😦 Do I admit her for a week? Do I keep watching her? She seems peppier but is having accidents and the vet said that could be kidney damage. I love the puppy.

I debated telling Lovely, and after a few days of throwing up and shaking and moaning by puppy, decided to call Lovely. She didn’t care.

Maybe this is an eye opener for me– if it was any one of my friends, much less someone I said I loved at one point, I would definitely at least be there for them with hard times. I feel like with the whole shooter situation and puppy getting poisoned– her not caring about those things cements that whatever we had or thought we had might not be real anyways. Even when I thought we should take time a part, I would have flown there in a second if one of those things happened to her. Dude, at this point I could be hit by a bus or struck by cancer, and pretty sure Lovely wouldn’t blink.

I guess love has to be returned, eh? It shakes me up too with the whole thinking of ways to propose and thinking of ways to integrate my family with my life and ours together. It kind of scares me because I really thought we had the real deal– but if someone doesn’t want to be there for you when it is tough, I guess that isn’t love. Or even friendship, really. It makes me second guess all the feelings she said she had if she can be so apathetic towards things she said she cared about. My puppy is like my baby, and puppy is still struggling. I would be so devastated– I can’t even think about putting her to sleep. I raised her (well– Lovely did too. Part of my surprise– but I guess that is that.)

I did go on a date with Blonde girl last night. We went to dinner, a jazz band, and went for a walk across the bridge. It was nice. But you know how if you have a thing for someone, you want to spend alllll the moments with them? Blonde girl is super pretty, and probably smartish. She is definitely a California girl– all blonde hair (duh), blue eyes, and legs. But– I don’t know. Maybe I’m pushing myself to go out too soon– but I’m just not that enthralled, you know? More like– hmmm. We’ll see. But not– oh! Wow! You and me– connect instantly! She wanted to spend the night and watch movies, but I said no. Part of me was tempted– she *is* a great distraction, pretty funny, super flirty. I like having someone in my bed. I like the intimacy of being held and holding, and protecting one another from the world with our bodies. But I like that– with Lovely. Anything else would feel like a replacement– once again, not bad! Good, even!

But then in the quiet alone, I WOULD KNOW I don’t want that with anyone else and anything else would only be good in the moment I think.

Even just having Blonde girl spend the night with me without anything going down would have felt forced and kind of surreal, and that isn’t fair to Blonde girl or me. So I hugged her goodnight, turned away from her kiss, and went home alone.

How to Care for Yourself and Not Die: 5 Steps

22 Aug

It has been a rough week (I am broken record!)

Last Friday, dangerous situation. Monday, Lovely said she wanted me out of her life. Monday night– literally spent all night in tears like some kind of very sad character that rocks back in forth in the corner. Depresso. I actually ended up calling the suicide hotline for an hour at 3 am after I couldn’t stop crying. It was a little surreal– but I was concerned with the combo of not wanting to exist and how extremely devastated I was with the idea of not making a future work with Lovely– I had started to make plans for things I wanted to talk to her about for a future together, but was waiting for her to get back from *France. HOWEVER, as we know, I was too late. Talking to the hotline was odd because of my interests, I very well could have been on the other side of the line. I didn’t want to worry or burden my loved ones with my concern and this neutrality towards stopping moving forward to live another 60 years. That sounds concerning, and would likely just cause worry and not be all that helpful.

Yesterday, I hadn’t been eating or drinking water for really the last few days, and ended up actually passing out. At the same time my dog was throwing up for 24 hours, I was actually suffering from heat exhaustion and extreme dehydration, and I also was getting sick.

How to Care For Yourself And Not Die

Step 1– I have to eat and drink things, or it will not be good for me. Step one in healthy self-care!

Step 2– Focus on people who will be constant in your life. I think that is part of the struggle with Lovely, is that she knew me and I knew her– and though those are simple words, once you have that it is literally like tearing apart your heart if you lose it.

I talked to my sister today. I haven’t talked to her since Friday– and when I told her all the happenings of the last few days, she asked why I hadn’t called her! I still think of her as my little sister, but she has become a woman of such strength and grace. We are incredibly different, but she is a big reason why I have developed the courage to think about coming out to the rest of my (let’s start with immediate!) family. She loves me, and it is evident. She is kind. And most of all, we know each other and there is a genuineness to our relationship that only comes with baring your souls to one another– an incredibly vulnerable thing to do.

Part of my despair has been building this kind of relationship only to have left or leave these people in different parts of the world. Having such a relationship and it being time-limited is literally almost unbearable. This is why people get married, or find partners. Having a “Witness” to your life and witnessing another’s, and being loved anyhow is the only true cure to the epidemic of loneliness.

Lovely is/was one of those relationships– and in fact, the primary person I have loved for over a year. But as I said, she doesn’t want to have that intimate of a relationship any longer. She doesn’t see herself loving me ever again. I don’t know if I will recover romantically, but I know I will not live if I cannot at least make it through the day. Logically I recognize that. I saw that yesterday– I felt my lower back pain, the muscle cramps, the dizziness. I felt my mind getting fuzzy. It is almost like my mind and heart are separate beings– my heart saying: how can you eat? how can you drink? how can you move with this piece you chose to make yourself and have then had torn away by your own cowardice? and my mind saying: “GET UP BAMBI (or is it bambie?) GET UP. GO get yourself a fucking glass of water.”

Loving my sister, working on that relationship, working on being able to disclose each bit of who I am and knowing she will be a constant is part of what I need to remember. The silver linings of building these relationships throughout the years is that in addition to it being painful to be physically separated from those people is the fact that there are incredibly precious relationships strewn about that I intend to have my entire life. Aside: try not let your dog get poisoned the same night your ex-girlfriend tells you not to talk to her anymore.

Step 3– Distraction. Maybe not to the extent of what I did last week– but maybe I say yes to those dates. Just to go on dates. Meet new people. Throw myself into my future. Working out. Painting. Writing. Things that make me feel centered and myself.

Step 4– No sad things at all at all. I have a folder and a box where I’ve kept any notes from Lovely, cards she’s sent me, things that remind me of trips together. You know– I am not ruling out the possibility that someday, if it is meant to be, maybe she might choose to forgive me and maybe be together again. Therefore I keep this box. I’ve kept the birthday present box I collected for her of this and that she would love. A CD of songs I made her. A book she would love. Things for her dogs (matching!) A white and rose gold simple ring. Things I didn’t send her, and now probably can’t because of my promise to let her decide if and when she ever wants me in her life in any way. But I HAVE NOT read the cards again. I have not. Because if I did, I would end up in the corner rocking place again. ALSO I banned sad music. God, I walked into a coffee shop on Tuesday and stupid Adele and her “Never mind I’ll find someone like youuuu-oouuuu” was playing, and the cute waitress was like WTF is wrong with you. She actually gave me my coffee on the house because I was mumbling something about allergies and like swiping the snot from my face with my hand. Hot.

Step 5– Have a plan. I don’t have a plan. I don’t want to love anyone ever again. But I do want to come out to my parents. I will never not acknowledge how deep and powerful my feelings are if I have them. I will never not consider a future even if it is hard to see what it looks like at the time.

I do have some plans like: try and climb a mountain without dying and learn to kayak and visit my former best friend in *El Salvador, and maybe raise a child someday, and maybe marry a woman and be okay with it, and always talk to old people because I know what it feels like to have lived too long and it is very tiring.

Recognizing privilege

20 Aug

I have had a rough week, to say the least. My whiney blog posts.

Sometimes not making a choice, is a choice. Sometimes silence screams the loudest. (Okay, how many cliches can we fit in here).

One thing I am sad about with Lovely is that we had SUCH rough times and by golly, we NEARLY MADE IT. We were THIS close.

I wish I could share being happy with her again. We chose to be so joyful over the hardest times– we just naturally brought that out of each other. We laughed through it all- and some of what should have been the hardest of all hardest are some of my favorite memories with her. I just– I wish we could show each other that even though life was amazing the way it was— it could be EVEN BETTER both being in a content and happy place in life.

I am so excited about my new job. I am so excited to learn. And yes– I am realizing more and more that there will be risk associated with it– but you know what? I am so incredibly blessed. Incredibly. I have been given so much that I do not deserve, and there are women ALL AROUND this world that have never had a chance to use their voice. Some of those women are 13 year olds in my work place whose boyfriends and mothers are pressuring them into giving them babies. Some of those women are in countries where having a voice and a thought is such a threat that it drives people to murder and maim them simply for having the audacity to pursue education.

My Love doesn’t love me anymore.

I am powerful, though. These girls– oh, they have no idea how powerful they could be! And I am in such a privileged place to be be given access as a trusted person in their lives. To talk to them about what they could want, what they could dream. To talk to them about being vulnerable, being scared, feeling worthless, feeling lovesick, being afraid of what their bodies are doing and what people want to do to their bodies. I have been granted privilege, and I am very, very aware of it.

The days I want to stop existing because I am too tired to exist any longer; the days living 60 more years alone or 60 more years painfully in love and writhing and exploding from it because my heart cannot hold how much I love those who I’ve made mine—those days I remember that there are women who never had the chance to know who they could be and I am grateful to be alive then.

Danger

16 Aug

I was in a potentially very dangerous situation today. Of course, I told my ex. Talked to her briefly– but she acted like I was bothering her. Super awkward and short with me. Like she couldn’t care less. I tried it to keep it together until we could leave the building, and I when they said the danger was over, I asked if she could talk…and she said she couldn’t because she was at lunch.

Okay… I mean, if she were in any time of similar situation I would have stepped away from lunch for a second to talk to her. I’m not mad, I’m just hurt. But obviously this is her not only stopping caring about me, but makes me question if she ever really cared in the first place. I was literally shaking and pretty afraid, but didn’t want to upset my family. I guess any conversation I wanted to have with her pretty much doesn’t matter now.

Twist.