Tag Archives: figuring out stuff

After first kiss with Smiles*

2 Sep

Found this gem as I was digging up some of my writing. This is right after my kiss with Smiles* (now at this time– we were in Argentina*, I had a mad crush on a guy with a serious girlfriend, Smiles was trying to figure out if she was bi or gay or what, and I had never considered it). I also was drunk out of my mind and did not actually piece things together until later. But apparently my mind knew what I didn’t. Embarrassing and poor Smiles.

Enjoy:

Restless restless restless.

“I ached for my heart like some tin min. And when it came oh it beat and it boiled and it rang. Oh it’s ringing.”

I ache for my heart. Maybe the way to name this feeling is it is not that my mind is restless (oh wretched tendency) but it is my heart.

But it is more than that. It is not even as if I cannot sleep, and this would be the end of my problem.  If this were true, I could predict the happenings. I would lie awake, most likely for hours. I would toss, and turn, and curse the clock. My legs would intertwine with the lilac sheets, and every physical feeling would be noted objectively. I would bemoan my misfortune, and consider life paths, life loves, medical school, running away to be a writer, the to-do list that is always etched in the forefront of my mind (which is ridiculous because the frontal lobe has little to do with memory). I would then fall asleep, fitfully, just about the time the Konchos geared their engines in the morning. I would wake up, and probably not fully function the entire day. Right around 5 pm I may wake up, and a dreadful cycle would begin—(one of which I am quite familiar).

Unfortunately it is not just that I cannot sleep, although this is a consequence. I have a sizzling energy about me that hasn’t left me all day. It is a tip of the tongue feeling, something that should be addressed. Something I am forgetting, and my body is embodying this memory of something that makes me slightly uncomfortable but is exciting. I am the opposite of bored, but this is trapping me.  Like I need to decide, or have a painful conversation, or that something is about to happen and it will be devastating in either a beautiful or dreadful way—but we (audience) do not know which yet. I have the inclination that somehow that outcome is up to me, but I have no idea what I am even talking about right now. It is just a very specific feeling.

None of my normal mechanisms are available to me.  I cannot run. I cannot even walk here as far as I could and come back for hours in whichever direction I want. (I know I harp on the lacking of Idaho*—but the safety is priceless). I cannot take a hot shower. I cannot paint.  I cannot sing.

But I can write, and so here we are.

It is nervousness and anticipation and the pit of my stomach telling me I am afraid of something, but the way every cell in my body is buzzing—I cannot tell if I should actually be afraid; or merely embrace whatever is about to happen. I don’t think this is premonition exactly, but I simply feel like I am missing something big.

If I could wrap my feelings into a few other emotions, it would be a combination of the following:

1)   Facing something when I am not sure of the other person’s reaction, and that reaction matters to me.

2)   Trying to recall a word that is the perfect one to be able to describe a situation, but not being able to.

3)   A first date.

4)   A large decision that will affect my or others’ lives.

5)   Anticipation.

6)   When I know something is coming (ie a tornado).

7)   After a resolution to do something difficult, but you know you must in order to be at peace.

8)   How I felt after that walk with Alex* (aside—boy with girlfriend).

Sidebar: I am not sure if it is even wise to get into that, at this point. I am not sure if this has to do with him, but I somehow don’t think so. Mostly because no matter how difficult and annoying those feelings are, Alex does not make me feel on edge or anxious or buzzing or ‘sparkly’—Alex makes me feel like me. He is like a cup of ‘no-pun-intended’ (dear Lord my dear, are you really making jokes to yourself during your crazy maniacal quest to discover whatever the hell is wrong with you?)

But really. despite the conflicting emotions and desire to stay away from any bindings I may have to someone who quite obviously cannot be mine, Alex makes me relaxed, comfortable, like a higher-definition of myself. I feel like I understand him, he I. There is no buzzing or anxiety there, only comfort. Although I could understand your original suspicions that it could be this—I really don’t think it is. Even with the e-mail situation, everything is definitely calculated. It is not as if I am surprised that I relate in such a real manner to him. I am not twitter-pated, I have no butterflies, I am not surprised. It just objectively is what it is—but that doesn’t make it easier that I objectively like him and his character. I feel like the reason whatever this feeling is, is similar to the walk after Alex was that then I was toying with the idea of telling him how I felt. However, I have not even considered that as a possibility since then, which is why I am reticent to say this today has anything to do with Alex.

Maybe this is discovery enough for now, I am hoping this feeling will be gone in the morning.

Advertisements