Tag Archives: kiss

After first kiss with Smiles*

2 Sep

Found this gem as I was digging up some of my writing. This is right after my kiss with Smiles* (now at this time– we were in Argentina*, I had a mad crush on a guy with a serious girlfriend, Smiles was trying to figure out if she was bi or gay or what, and I had never considered it). I also was drunk out of my mind and did not actually piece things together until later. But apparently my mind knew what I didn’t. Embarrassing and poor Smiles.

Enjoy:

Restless restless restless.

“I ached for my heart like some tin min. And when it came oh it beat and it boiled and it rang. Oh it’s ringing.”

I ache for my heart. Maybe the way to name this feeling is it is not that my mind is restless (oh wretched tendency) but it is my heart.

But it is more than that. It is not even as if I cannot sleep, and this would be the end of my problem.  If this were true, I could predict the happenings. I would lie awake, most likely for hours. I would toss, and turn, and curse the clock. My legs would intertwine with the lilac sheets, and every physical feeling would be noted objectively. I would bemoan my misfortune, and consider life paths, life loves, medical school, running away to be a writer, the to-do list that is always etched in the forefront of my mind (which is ridiculous because the frontal lobe has little to do with memory). I would then fall asleep, fitfully, just about the time the Konchos geared their engines in the morning. I would wake up, and probably not fully function the entire day. Right around 5 pm I may wake up, and a dreadful cycle would begin—(one of which I am quite familiar).

Unfortunately it is not just that I cannot sleep, although this is a consequence. I have a sizzling energy about me that hasn’t left me all day. It is a tip of the tongue feeling, something that should be addressed. Something I am forgetting, and my body is embodying this memory of something that makes me slightly uncomfortable but is exciting. I am the opposite of bored, but this is trapping me.  Like I need to decide, or have a painful conversation, or that something is about to happen and it will be devastating in either a beautiful or dreadful way—but we (audience) do not know which yet. I have the inclination that somehow that outcome is up to me, but I have no idea what I am even talking about right now. It is just a very specific feeling.

None of my normal mechanisms are available to me.  I cannot run. I cannot even walk here as far as I could and come back for hours in whichever direction I want. (I know I harp on the lacking of Idaho*—but the safety is priceless). I cannot take a hot shower. I cannot paint.  I cannot sing.

But I can write, and so here we are.

It is nervousness and anticipation and the pit of my stomach telling me I am afraid of something, but the way every cell in my body is buzzing—I cannot tell if I should actually be afraid; or merely embrace whatever is about to happen. I don’t think this is premonition exactly, but I simply feel like I am missing something big.

If I could wrap my feelings into a few other emotions, it would be a combination of the following:

1)   Facing something when I am not sure of the other person’s reaction, and that reaction matters to me.

2)   Trying to recall a word that is the perfect one to be able to describe a situation, but not being able to.

3)   A first date.

4)   A large decision that will affect my or others’ lives.

5)   Anticipation.

6)   When I know something is coming (ie a tornado).

7)   After a resolution to do something difficult, but you know you must in order to be at peace.

8)   How I felt after that walk with Alex* (aside—boy with girlfriend).

Sidebar: I am not sure if it is even wise to get into that, at this point. I am not sure if this has to do with him, but I somehow don’t think so. Mostly because no matter how difficult and annoying those feelings are, Alex does not make me feel on edge or anxious or buzzing or ‘sparkly’—Alex makes me feel like me. He is like a cup of ‘no-pun-intended’ (dear Lord my dear, are you really making jokes to yourself during your crazy maniacal quest to discover whatever the hell is wrong with you?)

But really. despite the conflicting emotions and desire to stay away from any bindings I may have to someone who quite obviously cannot be mine, Alex makes me relaxed, comfortable, like a higher-definition of myself. I feel like I understand him, he I. There is no buzzing or anxiety there, only comfort. Although I could understand your original suspicions that it could be this—I really don’t think it is. Even with the e-mail situation, everything is definitely calculated. It is not as if I am surprised that I relate in such a real manner to him. I am not twitter-pated, I have no butterflies, I am not surprised. It just objectively is what it is—but that doesn’t make it easier that I objectively like him and his character. I feel like the reason whatever this feeling is, is similar to the walk after Alex was that then I was toying with the idea of telling him how I felt. However, I have not even considered that as a possibility since then, which is why I am reticent to say this today has anything to do with Alex.

Maybe this is discovery enough for now, I am hoping this feeling will be gone in the morning.

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Flashback- my first female love

30 Aug

I talked to the first girl I loved, curly hair, or “Smiles” last night.

Back in the day, I fell so hard for her. I think I kind of explained what happened, but maybe not. She was coming off of being in a relationship with a guy— and started having feelings for his female roommate. 

Draaaaammmmma.

I had feelings for women before that, but kind of brushed it off. But Smiles just swept me away. I was infatuated by her, and we were infatuated with each other. I remember one night we spent all night just talking with one another, was the wind came in the window and we could hear the sounds of music in the streets of Argentina*, and we were so enthralled/intrigued and thirsty for the other person.

We had a thing. Doesn’t that sound weird? We had a thing for and with one another, and spent the summer doing “photo shoots” of us kissing to just “make *Tara jealous.” I still have those photos on my computer– a few beers, me with a backwards baseball cap and a striped shirt putting my hand on her thigh, her waist, her side. Kissing her against a car. Laughing so hard we were drunk off of each other’s happiness.

This all culminated in an evening where Smiles was in the middle, and she was sitting next to a guy. We made out in the back of a cab, and I was intoxicated with her lips, her teeth, the softness of her body. That kiss— those kisses— are among the most intense in my life. Smiles and I were never “officially a thing” on facebook or to our families (or for me at that point, it took a few months to even tell my friends)– and in fact, after that magical summer, I freaked the fuck out. I pretended like it didn’t happen. I came back to grad school, and developed a friendship with her. We never called it what it was– taking each other on dates, letting hands linger on the body for too long, pressing against each other and inhaling the scent of each other’s wrists and limbs and finally silently being with each other. But if I close my eyes, I can remember skinny dipping in the ocean– the way it went on for miles and we went on for miles, and we were so present which is so rare for me sometimes. 

It wasn’t until I was about to leave that I told her. It was dramatic. “I like coffee, and car rides, and you…” Oh, I fell so hard, but by the time I gathered up the courage to tell her that the summer we were together was more than just a summer fling, we were both leaving for other things. She had dinner with my family at graduation because hers didn’t come, and everyone LOVED her. She is so laid back, and sometimes so flakey, but when you are with her it is like the sun on your skin. She makes you glow, and feel warm, and when I am with Smiles I love my life, every second of it.

She called me last night, at 1:00 am. Sober. I was asleep, but answered, and we talked for about 2 hours. My sleeping patterns are horrendous.

Now, I closed the door on Smiles last year a little before this time (it seems so long and so short ago, hugh?) I wanted to be with Lovely and give us a shot. Smiles and I had some fundamental things that would have been hard to work out– namely the flakiness and extreme sexual/drug risks Smiles was okay with and I would have a hard time with. She’d cheated before, she was semi self-destructive, she has bipolar 2. She drank hard. These things meant sometimes she was unreliable, which in a long-distance partner would just breed jealousy.

But I did take time away from her until I stopped being in love with her, and until she stopped being in love with me. I think you can definitely love people without it working out.

However, she would call sometimes and I noticed it was when she was having romantic troubles, which I didn’t like. I didn’t want to be a fall-back. She was upset when I decided not to visit her back in August/September, and then upset again when I WANTED to visit last March. She is pretty good with meds now.

But we talked for two hours. Things that last year in April/May would have made my heart ache, like her telling me that I was the best kisser she’s ever had, and that our connection was firey and thirsty— just make me giggle and smile and say “yeah. yeah, it should be like that.”

She is dating new girl that is an AWFUL kisser haha, and she mentioned the two nights that I most remember us being intimate in Argentina*. Ego boooooost. But for real– it does give me hope with Lovely because even after talking at 1 in the morning for 2 hours with Smiles… I hung up the phone, smiled to myself, was happy I had a dear friend to relate to, and fell back to sleep.

That does not happen with any kind of heartache for me. I feel only love for Smiles, but not a smidgen of heartache for her. I told her about Lovely, and she said cryptically using her pet name for me, “You know, the universe brings you back together if you should be, you know? Just remember that. That’s what I think when I think of you.”

And I told her I loved her, and she said she loved me, and we meant it and knew we would always be in each others lives. As dear ones, not lovers, and that was okay with both of us I think.

I don’t know if it can ever be that way with Lovely. “What about Smiles? You got over her?”

It is different, a different way and kind of love you build with different people. And a different level of intimacy– Lovely and I were so, so intimate in ways that shock me. Smiles and I were intimate in different ways. 

Smiles, though. I miss her, too. I just want to hug her and talk and talk and talk– it has been over a year since we’ve seen each other in person. I just remember her yelling on a rooftop “Cot!” which is the spanish nickname for me, and running and jumping in my arms after we’d been apart for a month. I was so happy, and delighted, and clearly so was she. I so look forward to seeing her again– we’ve talked about me visiting soon, and I am excited to see my friend.