Tag Archives: parents

Coming Out- Part II of Aftermath

29 Aug

I know I did a drastic thing.

I knew this, and feared it, and prepped myself for it many times over.

The devastation of Lovely essentially wanting to erase me overwhelmed me and everything else stopped mattering (has stopped mattering). My life, my health, just everything seems so insignificant next to it. So much so that coming out to my family was like draining a wound– it had to be done to heal.

Sigh. Fuck.

I knew it would be bad. I knew it would be bad.

But.. I was kind of hoping they would be like we’re confused but of course we love you.

Ha. HA!

Not a chance.

My mom won’t talk to me at all on the phone. She’s been texting long essays to the effect of “Wow, thought I knew you, but I don’t” and “Well it definitely changes things, there is a major wedge between us” and “I am deeply saddened by your choice, I’m not going to act or pretend that it’s okay because I don’t.”

Sigh. Fuck. Shit.

I just want to get to the part where they accept me blah blah and my love and who I am! I am happy for me, why can’t they be? I like being a whole person and not pieces of one, I like being the same person around my Love as my friends as my family (cutting out a few expletives here and there).

My mom claims she wants a “great, close” relationship– well here it is. You know what you don’t share with your parents in a surface relationship? Anything hard. Anything controversial. Anything dissident from their beliefs. So parents with kids that don’t share that stuff are fooling themselves if they think it isn’t there.

Real life, knowing ME, knowing YOU– sometimes it isn’t pretty, and it is messy, and complicated. The thing that makes me mad is that my relationship with Lovely was ONLY wonderful EXCEPT the family thing (which made it messy and complicated). There was nothing wrong or dirty or bad or evil or hateful or sinful about who we were together. We had a great fucking relationship, and it was one of the healthiest I’ve been in until the end of it– and that was because we both were like WHY end something awesome?

I am trying not to be mad at my mom. Trying to be understanding. Trying to give her space. But I AM mad. I AM upset. Why do I have to suffer because of their prejudices, or feel like I have to apologize for who I am?

I will not fucking apologize for my sexuality– I spent too many years having too many people try and get me to be ashamed of something that is mine and FUCK THEM not theirs. Go be angsty and ashamed of your own damned body and sex life, and leave me out of it.

I mean, obviously I don’t say these things to my parents. I love them, right? But they are supposed to love me too, and loving someone means letting them be who they are without shaming them for it. ARGH how do you gently do this?

How do you give someone time and try not to be mad at them for taking too long (it’s been like 3 days man!)

Tell meeeeee!

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Proposals, Lovely, Blonde Girl, and Coming out letter

19 Aug

Oh autostraddle, you warm my heart!! http://www.autostraddle.com/this-is-a-love-letter-with-an-ending-just-for-you-178526/

You know, I’m still not sure what will happen with Lovely. I don’t know if she is back from *NYC, if she even really wants to have future conversation, or if it is better to go back to thinking future conversation is not on the table. Mmm. I ruminate. I try and reign in my heart and be objective. I try and prepare myself in case she doesn’t want to see me again.

Blonde Girl came over last night, and we shared a meal. She was nervous. It was weird because I wasn’t nervous at all– but I could tell she was. She wanted to stay longer, but I had to work and was tired and didn’t want her to. She wants me to go to a strip club with her– and I was kind of taken aback. I feel like that is not a thing that you invite someone to do. I have always wanted to go to a burlesque show– but that feels intimate.

I drafted a letter to my parents that I am going to send them after I tell my dad:

Dear Mom and Dad,

I’ve been wanting to tell you this for a long time. When I went to Argentina*, Curly Hair* and I just had an amazing connection. We found ourselves drawn to each other’s humor, passion, intelligence, and kindness. I fell in love with her. When I moved to South Dakota*, I met Lovely. I had never connected with anyone like I did her, and I fell in love with her. We dated for a long time, and I gave her up because I didn’t know if I could have both her and you.

I am attracted to both men and women.

It is terrifying to tell you this—but I want you to know how much I love you, and how much I want you to know who I really am, and how much I want to live authentically. I feel complete peace about it—it really is a non-issue for me, and my spirit is calm. You not knowing and wanting to tell you has been really difficult, but I didn’t want to cause you confusion or disappointment or fear. I honestly still have no idea how you will react, but I know it is a big piece of information. I wanted to see if this was specific to Curly Hair or specific to Lovely, but it is something that is a part of me and I want you to know all of me. I’m actually not really any different at all—I’m just me!

I love you so much, and I understand if you have questions or need time to process. I know it is scary and overwhelming and concerning and different and difficult and devastating a bit. But I am happy, I have vision, I feel good with God, I feel good with myself. I don’t know what it means for my future, I am just taking one day at a time. Know that for me to tell you this at all only displays how very highly I think of you and how very, very much I love you.

Smalltasks