Tag Archives: sad

Dates and Dreams

6 Sep

I keep dreaming about Lovely.

I wake up sad, like someone I loved has died.

Yesterday in my dream I asked if I could hold her hand, and she said yes. We walked along a path with flowers on the sides, holding hands. We were walking down a hill, and there was a bum playing the acoustic guitar and we both agreed it was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen.

I told her I’m sorry I broke her heart, I’m sorry it took so long. She said she knew, and she was sorry she made a wall around her heart. I told her about the date I went on, and she said she was happy in her new relationship. I nodded, and told her I was excited about the date I was on. At the end of the path we embraced, and then started kissing, and she whispered “I hope I’ll be back” and I said “Me too.” And then we kissed again and I woke up crying because I let go of her hand.

During my days I’ve been keeping myself so busy. I’m more upset that Lovely cut me out of Facebook and her life than I am that she is dating someone else. She promised me she wanted a friendship– was that a lie? I am confused and really hurt by her doing that, as stupid as it sounds. But I mean if someone doesn’t want me in their life, I am not going to force them to have me in it! But it is also strange for someone to just try and erase me 😦 I would have liked to *talk* to her, to just be friends, to share stuff– but she has made it clear she wants nothing to do with me. Like I said– I guess if someone thinks I am that awful of a human being, I wouldn’t want them to have to put up with the likes of me, eh?

Yesterday, I went on a date. My choice is to either curl up in my bed and rock back and forth (which I did for like 2 weeks) and cry OR distract myself.

And pretty people are good distractions.

At first I was nervous to meet this one gal, she was so formal on the phone. BUT SHE WAS AWESOME.

I set my alarm in case it went badly, and it was fantastic. She was a stage manager for a show on broadway (sooo I don’t want to give too much info because of identifying information). She was in a *very* long term relationship, and now she wants to be a flight rescue gal in the mountains by day, and open her own theater production company by night. So cool! And she has the cutest laugh (I sense a theme of intelligence and humor and happiness and confidence in the people I’m attracted to). And she was super smart. And funny. And really good at humor and jokes and likes beer and doesn’t like partying too much, and is wise.

It was strange to be honest. We met at 6:15 and didn’t leave until they closed the patio at 11. And it was nice. And I felt something, this giggly butterfly happy feeling that I haven’t felt for awhile.

Life is strange. Okay self I make you shut down and be distracted,  if that is what I have to do to live, I guess that’s what I’ll do.

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Sad panda

18 Jul

Today is a sad day.

I miss my ex- girlfriend. We haven’t talked for over a week.

I know, I know. Pathetic you say. Er… a week? you say. It doesn’t seem like very long.

Well shut-up you, I miss her.

But no… I know that it is not long. For example– I haven’t talked to my best friend since her birthday which was about a month ago. But I think the difference is… a) I have the OPTION of talking to her like whenever b) I’m having coffee with her Friday c) I never liked her like that d) She wasn’t the first person I wanted to call all the time with all my stupid stuff and see how her day was and ask how she was and just cuddle with. Losing that for real sucks. But it has to, has to, has to be done. Or we’ll both be sad forever, and I could tell I kept making her sad even though I was happy with just having her in my life– I know sometimes 90 percent is worse than 0 percent, because you just want that extra 10 percent. Which I couldn’t give her. So now we have 0 because… I won’t keep hurting someone I love because I like having them in my life. I won’t do it. Ugh, so when I want to pick up the phone and cry and tell her I miss her, I try to remember that this is better.