August 25– Coming out to my parents. I pressed send! AHHHHH.

Finally broke down to my mom today, about the whole situation. Sat in my car crying after church (WHICH WAS AMAZING… by the way. It felt like my whole soul was being cradled in a warm bath of hope that God and people and me can maybe not be at odds).

Tried to be sneaky and use neutral phrasing, but definitely said “I love her” and talked about our “relationship.” Finally my mom, after some well-meaning friendship advice (“You should try wooing her. Let her know you still care. Send her a card”) got quiet. She said, “you didn’t seem to be this upset about leaving your other friends in *Illinois after graduate school.””It’s different mom.” I said quietly. Come on mama. Put it together. Come on, please, just understand. 

I realized how much distance was between me and my parents– duplicity folks. It hurts. So… I sent them letter. I told them everything. An hour ago… haven’t heard back yet. Immediately called my friends, each saying how brave and proud of me they are. Including my sister. 

Pressing send– I felt this release. It is over, out there. I told them what I could. Lovely pushed me to this, and I am grateful. Either way– coming out to be with her, or coming out because it hurt so very much not to be with her. Something light and airy, I could have had perfectly for years without saying anything. But my heart in shambles or my heart wrapped in love, and barely touching why either way, made me realize that I would lose my family anyway, or at least what I loved about them– if I didn’t share this.

I am so nervous, I am so nervous. But why not just pile on the madness now– it is already a storm. Might as well just get my umbrella and wait for a tornado since I’m already soaked.